I thought I might do a little something serious about Evolution, ‘Bear. Should I do it now at the start, or do the people want the jokes first?
Do it now, because our fans love the funny stuff that we do for free. Did you know we’re now on our FIFTH column?
Actually we’ve been doing this for 3 years now.
Ahh yes, the Columns Forum. Where dreams are made, like most Lordsofpain.net writers, I completely forgot about that place where there are more columns, and more variety, and more personalities, and more discussion. People should check that out more.
They should, and all. It’s dead good. Plus they can ask pretty much anyone anything they like.
As for Evolution, I thought it was a really, really good show. I don’t know whether it was the clear apathy of WWE in really developing it during the build, or something else, but everybody out there looked incredibly motivated to make it worth a damn. I don’t think there was a single match that didn’t live up to my expectations – in some cases they were lower (like with Trish/Lita vs Mickie/Alicia) and they met them by delivering something pretty average, in others they were high and they exceeded them. The only match I might have wanted more from is Storm vs Shirai in the MYC final, which felt like a great 15 minute match cut short. The ten minutes of it were excellent, but the ending felt a little flat.
But everything else I enjoyed at or above the level I expected to, which is good, no?
Match of the night for me was easily the NXT Women’s Title one – Shayna Baszler might just be my favourite wrestler on the planet right now, so I’m probably biased. She’s just such a dickhead, you know? I like dickheads, especially heel dickheads. Give me that sweet, sweet early 1998 Jericho or Guerrero and I’m immediately going to love it.
I think though, personal preference aside, the match people will probably remember the show for is Charlotte vs Becky, and while I didn’t love all of it it was a terrific match. Personally it became a bit too reliant on the gimmick at times, and also on being a ‘WWE gimmick match’ where they do things like pile chairs on someone or put people through tables just for the same of it, but the bits where it was more of a proper scrap were great.
If there was one thing that did stick in my craw a bit it was that they spent most of the night getting a load of talking heads to say how great WWE were to lead this evolution, how much it meant, all of that. Like, we get it, it’s historic for WWE to be doing this despite spending the 20 years between Austin 3:16 and Paige vs Emma treating the women they employed like shit, but just do the show. Show, don’t tell.
But everything else – yeah. Good stuff. And that’s without even going into how much fun I found the six woman tag, and that I enjoyed the main far more than I probably should have. When are they going to start letting Ronda actually wreck people, though? It made some sense here as Brie got involved and put Ronda on the back foot, but come on. I think they’d have made a really interesting story out of painting it as ‘sport’ vs ‘entertainment’, rather than ‘you had sex with a boy! How gross!’, but whatever.
Shall we do the rest of the stuff now?
Bearly Reviewing Raw
Raw starts with Big Bully Baz Corbin taking the mick out of a man with actual cancer. What a shit. American Hero Braun Strowman beats him up for it, and then Brock hits the F5, which Michael Cole says is now called the ‘cycling off PEDs so I don’t pop a positive for USADA’.
Do you know what would have helped Braun out there? If he had his own F5. That’s how Trump logic works right?
That and being white, old, male, and rich. He’s a proper widget, isn’t he, Donald Trump?
Finn Balor vs Robert Franklin Lashley
*Checks notes* nope, I don’t give a shit. Anything from you, ‘Bear?
I made a list of things I’d like to see more than these boring bastards.
- My Mum being eaten out
- Another Tito column
Trish, Lita, Sasha Banks, Bayley, & Natalya vs Thee Riott Squadd, Mickie James, & Alicia Fox
Is Alicia actually the best worker in this match?
She is…is this real life? Interesting fact that Alicia Fox’s tenure in the WWE is longer than MIckie James’ and Trish’s tenure combined. Her vagina must resemble a punched lasagna at this point.
I’ll say one thing, I loved Liv Morgan’s work at the weekend. Aside from doing a Rivaldo on a kick to the ‘face’, that is.
Elias vs Jinder Mahal
Elias has some strong words for Jinder, a man from the fictional ‘Southern Hemisphere’. This doesn’t sit well with the Wonky Tonk Man, and he points out that if the world were really round planes would fly out into space and not to other countries.
At least Elias wins, I suppose.
The Ascension vs Robert Roode Jr vs The Authors of Pain
‘Hold on there son, I’m just making sure my hair is GLORIOUS.’
‘But Dad, I need to ask you a really serious question!’
‘Well son, you can ask your question now, but make it GLORIOUS. Don’t disappoint me, my boy!’
‘Look, Dad, I really need your advice on this. My foreskin wont go over the helmet/tip of my penis, I can only pull it back so a slight bit is showing. I thought it was completely normal as I can masterbate fine and it never hurts, I’ve also had sex with my girlfriend and there was no issue. I thought it was normal until today when a conversation was sparked over a peperami and I realise it wasn’t. Any suggestions!? Do I even need to fix it or seek medical help?’
‘Son, let me tell you, if I had a nickel for every time someone had asked me about their foreskin not stretching over the tip of their dick, I’d never have made any money. What the fuck is wrong with you, you strange little boy?’
‘Dad? Don’t Dad, I’m really scared! What if my johnson falls off one day because of it or something?’
‘Son, the day your todger falls off we can go and get you a prosthetic. And you and all the lady folk will think it GLORIOUS.’
‘Oh Dad, will it actually fall off?’
‘No son, and I’m not even a doctor. Why don’t you seek proper help? Would you like me to come to the clinic with you?’
‘That would be great Dad, please, we can have some father and son time and it will be GLORIOUS.’
‘You cretin! You didn’t even do the arms! You’re no son of mine!’
‘Oh no, sorry Dad, sorry I’m such a disappointment, I won’t make the mistake again!’
‘Too right you won’t sunshine, now go and make me a peanut butter and banana sandwich and punch yourself in the face!’
Robert and Chad win, because they have a bond like no other.
After the match one of the Authors of Pain scribbles something on a piece of paper. In amongst his shopping list he’s just written one word: pain.
We see an advert for Crown Jewel, where John Cena and Daniel Bryan won’t be because they don’t agree with murder.
Seth is out, looking particularly wet. He starts happy, then gets sad because someone did something to him, that he did to someone else 4 years ago, the fucking hypocrite.
Dean interrupts Seth by standing still and not explaining things. This confuses Seth who, due to being a bit on the spectrum, likes to understand why things happened and how things work.
Nia Jax vs Ember Moon
Nia wins because she’s big and strong. Also a heel now, for reasons.
After the match, Jax grabs the microphone and nestles it next to her crotch. As her labia gently parts it whispers…
‘HEEEEYYYYYYY Mofo’s, it’s me, Nia’s adorable yet succinct minge. I’m THE advocate for my client, and number mother funking one contender. Imma here to tell you that we gonna rip Rhonda Rouseys tits off her and feed them to Dana White‘
The speech ends when Jax feeds her minge a packet of Monster Munch.
The Lucha House Party vs The Revival
Can we please just demote The Revival back to NXT where they can have good matches and look competent?
Can we stop trying to get over little Mexicans in masks?
Apollo Crews vs Dolph Ziggler
I suspect there’s a really good recently painted wall drying somewhere, don’t you?
Technically, this is the main event of RAW. The main event.
The show ends with Rainbow Taker and Mayor Kane promising that at WWE Crown Jewel in *location redacted* they’re bringing a party. They say that when they are in *location redacted* they’ll all have a big party with DX and eat a range of vol au vents.
Bearly Reviewing Rating: Like opening a sandwich to find it’s full of shit.
An Open Letter to WWE
1st November 2018
Bear and Oliver
69 Bearly Avenue
Oli and I have been fans for a long time now, so thanks.
We understand that you will never read this, so won’t waste time on telling you things nobody cares about.
If we could offer you a few tips though;
- Bring back Eva Marie, she might have been useless, but I couldn’t get my dick out quick enough when she was on the screen
- If you will insist on bringing back former legends, let William Regal have one more match and show the roster how an actual talent wrestles
- Give wrestlers guns. The venues where they perform and ripe for an attack, so give the superstars guns to protect themselves, because more guns is safer
Keep up the great work, we may not like you as much as we did, and you annoy us sometimes, but you’re part of us now.
Chris & Oli