Hey ‘Bear. So, something a bit different this week – I’m going to do Super Show Down, which as I understand it happened in your back garden, and you’re doing the UFC thing where an Irishman and a Russian fought in America, is that right?
Good Afternoon Oli. Indeed a Super Show Down happened in my own back yard, and, I would have gone if I didn’t have this tiny housemate to look after. The MCG is ay far the best stadium I’ve been to in the world, with an atmosphere that can only be matched by the big European stadiums.
Yep, I’ll be reviewing UFC, because quite honestly, nobody here at LOP seems to know what they are talking about when it comes to the sport, or the business, so someone has to, right?
I don’t really get UFC and how they book it, but it all looks very clever. And I want to see McGregor get his teeth punched into his throat, so I guess they’re doing something right. You’ve set foot in the cage so you’re more qualified than me and how it as booked.
Indeed, sometimes a booker doesn’t even tell you who is going to win and you have to figure it out whilst you’re in there.
Anyway, I guess we can just crack on. Jokes first, Bear doing very serious commentary on UFC afterwards. So please tolerate the jokes to get to the really good stuff.
Bearly Reviewing Super Show Down
WWE have a major problem on their hands, because in Australia everybody has to wrestle upside down compared to America.
Of course, the benefit of doing this in Australia is that their Government hasn’t just ordered the assassination of a journalist who points out all the wrong they do like Saudi Arabia, where I’m sure WWE would never go given they have a terrible human rights record and all hate women…
The New Day vs The Bar
Instead of an actual match, this turns into a pancake flipping competition. Kofi Kingston wins it for his team because he flips at the same time as his pancake, keeping it in the pan even when upside down.
Unrelated, but how much do you want to see Cesaro vs AJ Styles for the WWE Heavyweight Championship?
Charlotte vs Becky Lynch
Becky Lynch is the new Stone Cold. Turn her. She’s the draw Tito has been waiting for.
When she’s locked in the armbar, Becky hears a mysterious noise coming from Charlotte’s pants.
‘Becky. Oh Beeeecky. It’s me, the labia of Charlotte, talking to you from down here where it’s smooth and clean. Oh come on, don’t act surprised, we know you’ve seen the pictures. Waxed and washed, that’s the motto. Don’t break her arm, please, she won’t be able to clean me properly and I’ll get right proper cheesey and sniffy. It’ll end up being a locker room clearing smell that wafts off me. Don’t do that to me, Becky. Let the labia be cleaned. Release the hold, go on, let it go.’
Shocked by the talking quim, Becky lets the arm go and ends up being caught in the figure four thing that Charlotte does where she makes it like you’re sitting down with your legs crossed instead of applying any pressure.
Becky gives her a proper twatting with the title belt to break it, and everyone cheers. Truly, she is the hero we all need.
John Cena & Robert Franklin Lashley vs Elias and Kevin Owens
Before the match, Big Kev and Elias are all ‘hah, Melbourne Football Club absolutely suck’. But because they’re all really polite the Australian fans just sort of shrug at each other and agree.
John Cena celebrates the fact that he’s stolen JBL’s hair by running very fast at someone and then missing them with a punch and somehow winning. Somewhere on a movie set The Rock is all ‘so now John Cena has acted in a couple of films, John Cena understands The Rock’s point of view, does he?’
Poor Elias doesn’t deserve this. He stands up and dusts himself down, then grabs a microphone, pointing out that if the Earth was really round then the clouds above us wouldn’t be flat and the Bedford Level Experiment would prove curvature. He says that flat Earth is proven by the fact that everyone in Australia can stand up, rather than just fall into the sky.
The IIconics vs Asuka & Naomi
The most important thing to know here is that The IIconics are the greatest and best and are National Treasures. So yay?
They win, even though they’re in their hometown. How exciting. Everyone cheers, yay!
AJ Styles vs Samoa Joe
Surprisingly, Samoa Joe comes out to the sounds of ‘Annie, I’m Not Your Daddy’ by Kid Creole. A very strange choice of music. As he rides to the ring inside a giant McNuggets box, AJ tries to attack him. But instead Joe hands him a Happy Meal, and it’s got a little wheely toy in it. Appeased, AJ leave Joe alone to eat his McNuggets and the match never happens.
The ‘Legendary’ Bella Twins & Ronda Rousey vs Thee Riott Squadd
To prove she is the best, Ronda wins by tapping two people out at once. This is all because WWE has realised they can’t put Brie in their ring.
Note: You should never put brie in your ring. It’s a very soft cheese and will doubtless cause you all sorts of anal issues. You’d probably have to dig it out with an oatcake, although they might be too crumbly. A better choice could be a digestive biscuit, which is also crumbly but structurally robust.
Buddy Murphy vs Cedric Alexander
It’s only the match of the night.
Buddy wins, making 205 Live immediately 300% better than it has been since Cedric became champion.
On his way out of the ring, Buddy is all ‘gee, y’know what, I done gone and won this thing and now my Shiela’s backstage waiting for me to come home ‘n’ root with her while I wears me title. I think I’ll just strap this around my waist and then run wild on her in the outback with my little hat on! What a day to be alive.’
The Shield vs The Dogs of War
‘Och Brain, wa ur ye shootin’ sae loodly, Dolph an’ Ah ur standin’ reit haur, we can hear ye realy easily ye big oaf.’
‘It thoundth a lot to me like you are having thignificant problemth operating ath a team, Mithter McIntyre. Perhapth you thould take a leaf out of our book and unite in thupport of a common goal!’
‘No Dean, the common goal ith not bithcuitth, the common goal ith victory over thethe cretinth here at WWE Thuper Thow Down!’
‘Yes, that’s wight Wollins, and if they are not careful they’ll feel the fuwious power of Woman Weigns!’
‘That’th quite enough of that intimidathion, boyth! We mutht rithe above thinking to the level of our opponentth, we know already that we are the betht team and they are jutht a group of individualth trying their betht to defeat The Thield! They can never prothper over teamwork like ourth!’
‘Och, Ah hink yoo’re aw glaikit, ye dornt e’en ken th’ real meanin’ ay th’ wuid teamwork loch Dolph an’ Ah dae. an’ anyway, everybody knows Dean isnae gonnae stick aroond an’ will eventually lae ye aw high an’ dry.’
‘Well, we will thee about that, Mither McIntyre! Come on Dean, walkies!’
You know when Pixies reformed and a lot of people were like ‘oh holy shit, Pixies have reformed, I love Pixies! Pixies are great!’ and then it turned out they were all old and not quite as good as they once were?
That’s this Shield reunion, in a nutshell. It’s not objectively bad, it’s just not incredible in the way it was once. They win, of course.
Daniel Bryan vs The Miz
In order to make sure the really important people in the main event get all the time they need – in other words, that the people who paid for this show to be put on will pay for another one – the most interesting match on the card has to end in 150 seconds.
Bryan wins, so he gets to face AJ in a match which neither of their wives can actually watch in person.
(Just as a more serious aside, I really like what WWE were trying to do with this, in theory, and think it could have worked if it had had 12 minutes rather than 2.)
Triple H vs The Undertaker
Because this is in Australia, is he now called The Down Undertaker?
Anyway, everyone in Australia cheers when he makes his entrance. This soon peters out when they realise that they can’t keep that going for the two hours it’ll take him to walk down a ramp.
Eventually they wrestle, and Triple H starts to be naughty and biffs Undertaker with a chair.
Kane squares up to Trips for this, and points out that if he was President rather than just Mayor of Knox County, his Libertarian ideals would run the state and, rather than just one man holding power, freedom of choice and expression would rule the day. Unfortunately this also sounds a bit like someone’s taking away his second amendment rights to HBK, who spins Kane around and shoots him in the face to show that, in fact, guns are good and do not kill people unless the person holding them are mentally ill.
All of this makes Undie very sad, and he starts to howl in anger at ringside, looking as if PTSD is setting in. He charges to the ring screaming ‘I must show my true self in honour of my brother!’, and then sheds his black coat to reveal him wearing a codpiece painted in the colours of the rainbow. He grabs the microphone and states that anybody against LGBTQIA+ rights can rest in place, then proceeds to skip around the ring, throwing gladioli into the crowd.
Unfortunately for him, Triple H is a huge homophobe so when they bump shoulders he kicks him in the dick and gives him another pedigree. That’s enough for him to win and end an are for the last time ever once in a lifetime.
They’ll all have a match again in Saudi Arabia, where men can’t even look at each other without being stoned to death, let alone hold hands.
Bearly Reviewing Score: 4 wallabies and a koala
Bearly Reviewing: UFC 229
There was so much I wanted to say about one of the most entertaining cards in a while, but it was marred by what can only be described as mindless thuggary. An atrocious advertisement for a sport already deemed as human-cockfighting by most mainstream media.
I’ve been involved in this sport, in various guises for a number of years now, and the underlying sentiment is always about respect. Respect for yourself, respect for your opponent and respect for the sport. Sure, you’ll get heated build ups, and legitimate hatred, but once that cage door closes, you settle it. To carry anything past that point is nothing but disrespect.
It was made more of a shame because what we had up until that last 5 minutes was a spectacle for the ‘casual’ fans that McGregor, for all of his flaws, does bring in.
We started the main card with Waterson up against Felice Herrig. Waterson looked efficient, some say Herrig was the aggressor, and could have taken this easily. For me, the judges were bang on, Herrig pushed the fight and generally speaking brought all of the pressure, however Waterson was cool under the pressure, had effective striking in the clinch, at differing distance, and even on the ground. Pure stats lovers will disagree, and it’s good to see the judges rewarded skill over effort.
Lewis Vs Volkov was the fight everyone wanted to see. Old Sweaty Balls looked tired after 9 seconds, and got dominated for 14 minutes and 34 seconds…. Then BOOM, two giant shots, followed by two more on the ground and Lewis is probably the number one contender. This is why people watch UFC, it can change in the blink of an eye. Lewis took his chance, Volkov didn’t.
In a division that is really devoid of any top talent to challenge anyone at the moment, Dominick Reyes against OSP was always going to be an intriguing contest. Reyes, who rarely goes any kind of distance in his fights was visibly gassed as the fight progressed but his technique was flawless throughout. Reyes, for all of his talent, has become fairly predictable in his reliance on the southaw kick, sharp cross combo, it’s hard to defend because he’s excellent at it, but OSP switched his stance and it caught Reyes by suprise.It just served to show Reyes confidence in his stand up that he drilled him from the same side anyway.
Reyes flowed flawlessly when closing the distance, new fighters really need to watch that footwork as he shuffles, dips and maneuvers himself great positions to land blows. He topped a great showing with a last second knockout, that unfortunately wont go down as a knockout due to a refereeing blunder after OSP was asked to get up, meaning it went to the judges.
Then we had the spectacle, the bout to highlight what MMA is all about. The one that very few people are talking about now. Tony Ferguson Vs Anthony Pettis was glorious, brutal, skilled and emotional.
Ferguson started out with immense pressure in the first round, Pettis’ though, is seemingly back to the Pettis of old, and has a serious chin. He assumed the position given to him by Ferguson (against the cage) and took a flurry of perfectly placed low kicks, followed by subtle, well placed jabs. The second round was CRAZILY entertaining. Pettis dropped Ferguson twice, whilst having a gaping cut on his hairline, when Ferguson did get back to his feet, it was on. There were big hands, there was blood, there was yelling, there was even a fucking cartwheel. Sadly, during the madness of the second round Pettis broke his right hand. Duke Roufus asked if he wanted to go back out for the 3rd round, he seemed hesitant and he absolutely did the right thing by his fighter.
THAT is the rematch we should be talking about.
Then, after that mayhem, we had the main event.
The fight itself was a masterclass by Khabib in how to grapple. He dominated the opening two rounds, even having the audacity to drop McGregor with a heavy right hand. In a bout where we had a world class striker against a world class wrestler, the better conditioned fighter won. Conor was visibly tired early on, and couldn’t cope with how relentless Khabib was.
In the fourth round, Conor was taken down, mauled, allowed Khabib to take his back and tapped before Khabib even had his throat.. Granted, having the crank around your jawline does really hurt, but it was clear Conor wanted out.
Afterwards, well, we know what happened now. They have both damaged the sport in their actions before, and afterwards.
Bearly Reviewing score: 8 out of 5