Hey ‘Bear. We’ve not had much of a chance to do one of these over the past six weeks – I’ve been busy, you’ve been busy, we both have real lives which don’t involve artificially inflating our egos based on the terrifically high feedback level from readers. Equally, Raw was shit, so fuck it.
Happy New Year Oli, and Happy New Year to our fans. Did everyone think we had retired? Maybe we should sticky this column to the top so everyone knows we’re back? Also, don’t pretend we have “readers” – we have fanatics.
How was your Christmas and New Year?
I drank a lot of overpriced whisky, a lot of overpriced port and bought my one year old overpriced toys. Standard stuff really. Yours?
Mine was OK. I was ill. I’m always ill. I didn’t watch any wrestling, which was a relief in all honesty.
Do you have any wrestling based things you want out this year? More tampon-based tomfoolery, perhaps? William Regal’s neck to mend itself so he can wrestle?
I’d like to see Regal Vs Johnny Saint headline ‘Mania. I’d like to see other columnists start 50 part series’, and I’d like to see Ronda Rousey’s piss flaps. I’m assuming you hope Daniel Bryan turns the World vegan?
I would have said I wanted nobody important to die, but Mean Gene has already popped it. So I don’t know. The main thing I want is for Donald Trump to stop ordering mass shootings, the little orange motherfucker. Did you see his McDonalds the other day? 300 burgers, the fat bastard.
I tend to zone out when Trump is on TV now, there’s no way anyone actually voted for him seriously, he’s actually just a sweet potato.
More like sweat potato. Shall we do this, then?
Bearly Reviewing Raw
Raw starts with Big Braun talking. The segment immediately goes down hill because The Only Real Baron turns up and starts talking too.
‘Young Braun, you are a simple boy from the shires, and I, the only real Baron in WWE, simply will not stand for your tomfoolery. Simply put, my butler Jeremy and I have significantly superior pursuits to undertake, more gentlemanly games such as polo or croquet. Now, what nonsense do you have to say today to me, a man who has simply ranks above you?’
‘Well that simpleton response won’t do anything for you! You simply don’t get what you want by shouting and stomping your feet like a young child and I, a man of superior blood lineage to yourself, good sir, simply will not deal with such a temper tantrum. So why don’t you just sit over there next to my ample fireplace while I rest in my wingback chair and rest my feet on the back of one of the many immigrant children I use as footstools in my manor, hey?’
‘GET THESE HANDS!’
‘Pfft, your hands are calloused from years of not wearing suitable handwear whilst operating machinery, or whatever it is you laymen do nowadays seeing as the robots my family has invested in to replace jobsworths like you. Frankly sir, it is obscene that you and your kind don’t have silk gloves to wear when it comes to your tasks. Now, take your loud mouth out of my house, I no longer have any time for you! Good day sir!’
‘I said good day, sir!’
Braun is angry about Baron turning up, like just about everyone else in the World. He rips the door of a limousine and reveals Vince McMahon getting a blowjob from Torrie Wilson, for some reason.
Vince gets quite upset by this blue balling, and stops Big Braun from having a match against Brock. Then he furiously masturbates into a tissue.
Sasha Banks & Ronda Rousey vs Nia Jax & Tamina Snuka
This is the classic ‘but can they co-exist’ thing they do with a title holder and a challenger every other month.
Miraculously, nobody dies. Everyone gets on while the match is happening.
Seems they CAN co-exist, but then they fall out when the backhanded compliments get out of control and Sasha goes for a cry because she’s fully aware that she’s mid-card for life now.
Afterwards, Ronda tries to speak, but isn’t very good at it. Sasha makes the four horsemen sign at her, and is suddenly backed up by Dean Malenko, Sid Vicious, and Paul Roma. Sasha looks at them all, shakes her head, and walks off.
Lucha House Party vs The Revival
Thank fuck they’ve got rid of the Lucha Rules nonsense.
This match is so important that halfway through they put a backstage bit on instead. Derrick Bateman is there, which is nice.
The Revival win because they created tag team wrestling.
‘Brappppppppadoooooo! It’s me, John Cena’s bald spot here, creeping up on him like the quiet cat stalking the mouse that is his virility and new Jim Carrey-esque hair cut, Jack! Embrace the chrome dome, John! Let the lights shine off me and blind your opponents, look deep into my smooth skin and see your own success and failures reflected in me. Oh, you just try and fingerblast any of the women in the locker room now that I’m here, destroying your looks! No women likes to reach down and grasp a bald head between their thighs, John! You may think you can comb that wig over me and I’ll just go away, but I’ll always be here, nipping away one follicle at a time until you look like a baby again!’
Vince is going to make a bunch of people fight to face Brock at the Rumble, including that vanilla midget Borin’ Finn Balor.
I wonder who will win? Given that a lot of Finns friends have just started an actual wrestling company and Vince would love to keep him at the expense of building Braun.
Corbin won’t win, because well, it’s Corbin
Drew won’t win because all they do is make him dominate matches, so he’ll probably dominate for a while, look strong, and not get pinned
Cena won’t win because of that hair, and he’s come back to fail at putting people over again, so he’ll probably be pinned.
I want Meng to come back and just beat the piss out of all four of them. Imagine how good Meng vs Brock Lesnar would be.
Thee Riott Squadd vs Bayley, Natalya, & Nikki Cross
I once saw Nikki Cross wrestle in a sports hall. I wish her all the best in becoming a millionaire wrestling for WWE.
The good guys win, of course.
Jinder Mahal vs Finn Balor
‘Finlay, it is I, the guru Jinder. Let me be your spirit guide on the adventure that is sports entertainment. Hmm, your hands are clammy and you look a little sweaty – tell me Finlay, have you spent any time recently struggling with your sense of self-worth? Ah yes, I thought you might have. Might I suggest that what you need is a good game of Dungeons & Dragons with me, your guru? Here now, you play as the halfling because, well, look at you, you’re half the size of a normal human being, and I will be the human. Select your class and ability – that’s right, I’m a human cleric with dexterity – and now roll that D20 over there. No not that one you stupid leprechaun, that’s only a D18, the D20 is the purple one. Great, right, now let’s get this game underway…’
Finn wins in the end, after leaving Jinder for dead in the penultimate dungeon in order that he may complete the mission.
Wow, the “he’s already had a match but now he has another match, there’s no way this little midget can win” scenario. It’s like they’re doing the whole Daniel Bryan story arc in one night.
Hopefully by, the end of the night, Finn will have joined mine and Daniel’s vegan fraternity. We meet every Wednesday to tend our crops and test new products on the market. We don’t have an initiation though, they’re too mean for us.
Dean Ambrose vs Seth Rollins vs Franklin Roberto Lashley
Why does Franklin keep showing people his arsehole and patting his bottom, ‘Bear?
Because his ass, has more personality than his mouth.
I mean, he’s got good glutes, I guess, I’ll give him that.
That’s because his glutes are the entry point for his steroids
Does he pat as a kind of ‘put them in here’ action? Hopefully he doesn’t do it near a YMCA. He’ll get mobbed by
I don’t really understand why this is happening at all, but Franklin wins in the end, which seems boring.
I’m scared by this, because it could mean they are continuing the Seth and Dean feud, which sucks, because their matches are awful. Or, they both win the Rumble.
Borin’ Finlay Balor vs Jumpin’ John Cena vs Drizzlin’ Drew McIntyre vs The Ony Baron in WWE
This is only happening because Vince got grumpy about his limo earlier.
Also because Finn looks like he decapitated Neville and then took his body as his own. Guy is looking more jacked than Jakked.
Borin’ Finn Balor wins and then Jumpin’ John steals his moment, like Name Redacted did with Bret at Wrestlemania that one time.
Bearly Rating: Was it really worth all that?