Hey ‘Bear. So, we’re pivoting into covering the true ‘A’ Show Smackdown rather than the fifth best wrestling program WWE produces every week. Essentially just because it’s better, right?
Did you see we won the “Best Main Page Series” award for this column, here at good ol’ LOP?
Aye, in the Columns Forum, which is very much an important part of this web-based ecosystem. We’re thebest. And don’t forget, we do this FOR FREE, expending our valuable time and energy to give the people what they want and are crying out for – thoughts that most of them already think but just in a written format.
Smackdown is truly everything RAW needs and wants to be, and given LOP has 56 people reviewing RAW on a weekly basis, it made sense the site would ask it’s top reviewers to cover it.
It also has the best wrestler in the world and my personal hero Daniel Bryan on it, which makes it much more fun for me to watch, at least.
You vegans, you’ve turned into cross-fitters for the millennials. Daniel is the validation you’ve always craved.
Look at him! He’s a famous man who everyone loves and a vegan!
You’re going to be insufferable about him, aren’t you?
Absolutely. Here, have you watched any of that Sunderland ‘Til I Die on Netflix? It’s right good. Dead depressing, though. Poor old Sunderland. It starts with so much hope and that just all drifts away as the season goes on.
I have, actually. Jack Rodwell is a true old school villain, kinda like Ted Dibiase in his pomp flaunting his wealth. He probably has slaves too. It’s also got 8 episodes a season, so that’s a nice number of episodes isnt it?
Very lucky in China.
It’s kind of amazing to me that you get these little enclaves of places where football still means football, like in the 80s before Thatcher tried to kill it all off. Whole communities gathering in the pub before a game for a quick couple of pints and a pickled egg, giving their kids half a shandy and a copy of Razzle to keep them entertained, then walking up to the game so they can clap and sing. You don’t get that now, everyone wants a soulless 60,000 seat bowl in central London and a crowd of tourists instead while their children sit and watch PJ Masks on a phone instead of bother them.
And, you know, I don’t want to go back to the 80s where going to game meant you had to also carry a weapon in case you looked at someone’s dog wrong, but at least there was an atmosphere about games and people seemed to really enjoy going. Plus, it was affordable and people could go regularly, instead of as a treat. Probably all Sky’s fault.
So it’s a nice little reminder, really, that behind all the football and the razzmatazz there’s actual humans still.
And shits, there’s plenty of shits in it too. I like the shits.
Bearly Reviewing Smackdown
Smackdown this week hails from Kansas, which is in the United States of America. You know, the country everyone laughs at because of Trump, and mass shootings.
Famous people from Kansas include;
Dorothy – Friends with an actual scarecrow
Tyson Gay & Maurice Greene – Probable drug cheats
Bob Orton – Serial masturbator
Baron Corbin – Second most boring person on RAW
Bobby Lashley – Ass slapper
Paul Rudd – Mike
Clarke Kent in Smallville – Superman
Smackdown opens with Becky Lynch doing her usual overacting, and talking about The Rumble, and ‘Mania and slapping heads off. This causes Asuka to come out and shouts in Japanese.
Charlotte comes out despite nobody inviting her, because it doesn’t matter how over Becky is, WWE rate Charlotte higher than Overacting Becky. Charlotte talks, the other two have a scrap, the segment ends, nothing really happened.
Whenever Charlotte’s not onscreen, all the other characters should be asking ‘Where’s Charlotte?’
Naomi vs Mandy Rose
This is all happening because Mr. Naomi thinks Mandy has nice boobies and a tight vagina.
She does though, I would 100% let her fart into my ear.
Unfortunately for her, Jim and Jey are already planning a twin magic ruse.
Sonya watches on, mournful that her crush doesn’t slide into her DMs.
Rey Mysterio talks about how he cowered in a corner for an hour in 2006.
The Miz vs Cesaro
People are at ringside here, ‘Bear. Is it fair to say they’ll probably get involved?
Nah, that absolutely never happens, especially when it’s their respective tag partners outside.
Cesaro wins when a respective tag partner gets involved.
After the match, the other respective tag partner gets involved, but get’s his ass handed to him as his Dad watches in the back.
Tough love. That’s those baby boomers for you. Two things you can guarantee about them – tough love, and they’re destroying the planet.
Big Vinny Mac comes out and the crowd is really happy because everyone absolutely adores old men full of steroids and hate. He introduces a scruffy vegan…
‘Ooh ar, it’s me, everyone’s favourite Zummerzet boy Daniel Bryan ‘ere. Now, I wuz juzt tending to me crops out the back in the garden when I zaw a beautiful little butterfly flappin’ ‘is wings and goin’ pazt me. An’ I sez to meself, like, as I watched ‘is wings a flappin’, I sez to meself ‘I really hope that wing flappin’ doesn’t have any impact on the global temperature rise’, ‘cause, you know ‘ow it is these days, the world is a fragile ecosystem an’ as a conscious individual I didn’t want to see this little butterfly causin’ problems for polar bears and penguins, you know? Anyway, so I carried on hoein’ the ground ready for me cabbages and then I stop an’ sez to meself again, I was all a fluster I wuz at this point in time, I sez to meself ‘wha’ if tha’ butterfly flapping ‘is wings ‘ere in Zummerzet does spuddle with the ice at the poles, though? They sez tha’ can happen, that a butterfly flappin’ ‘is wings can make an ‘urricane somewhere else in the world’. An’ I tell you, I entered into a bit of a shame spiral, like, ‘cause I could have squashed tha’ butterfly an’ saved the world but also how can I harm a creature in line with my vegan values, you know? So I got meself in a gurt big fluster, ‘cause I wanna save the world but not at the sacrifice of my values, and in the end I stood sadly as it all got a bit dimpsy in the garden, a little tear runnin’ down me cheek ‘cause if I can’t put me own morals to one side to save the world then what good am I really? An’ then Brie an’ Birdie come out of the ‘ouse, like, to see wha’ I wuz doin’ still out in the garden in me kecks at this time o’ night, and we all ‘ad a gurt big cuddle an’ got in, fried up some lovely aubergines, cooked up some cous cous and ‘ad a lovely dinner.
But still I couldn’t shake the feelin’ that I’d let the world down with me morals, you know, and should have just squashed tha’ butterfly. He was a gorgeous little critter, a cabbage white, jus’ hatched I reckoned, an’ I sincerely ‘ope he ‘as a lovely life ahead of him, but boy I worry about the ice caps meltin’. I said all this to Brie and she looked at me, me beard shiny with me tears, cryin’ me eyes out I ‘ad been, an she said to me ‘Daniel, you little shit, can’t even compromise for the good of the planet you self-centred little moralistic bastard. Now shut the fuck up and go cook get me some supper, you raggedy fucker. And change your damn clothes, bloody hippy!’ So I went off an’ put some crackers on a plate, you know, the Ryvita ones with the drak rye, not the normal rye ‘cause, well, that’s been processed hasn’t it, an’ I know tha’s bad for the environment, and I spread a really really thin layer of organic hummus on each one, ‘cause Brie’s on the Atkins an’ needs ‘er protein, right. An’ I took ‘em through to ‘er in the dinin’ room an’ then slipped me slippers on an’ took meself off upstairs, hummin’ as I went. A lovely little ditty by me favourite band, it was:
‘Where be that Blackbird to? I know where he be,
He be up yon Wurzel tree, And I be after he!
Now I sees he, And he sees I,
Buggered if I don’t get ‘en
With a gurt big stick I’ll knock ‘im down
Blackbird I’ll ‘ave he!’
Anyway, so, I gots upstairs and snuggled up in me big fluffy duvet, all ready for bed, and as I shut me eyes a single tear rolled down and touched the organic cotton on me pillow. And in that moment I knew the butterfly had died in me neighbour’s garden, caught by their tabby cat. An’ while I was sad about the death of a lovely, lovely little beasty, I was ‘appy that the polar ice caps were safe for another day.’
This all brings AJ Styles out in his Kappa tracksuit and cap, swigging from a can of Carlsberg Export.
‘‘ey lah, ‘ow about dat flat earth, ‘uh? Ay gotta say, there’s a lotti evidence fe it, more than ‘as racked up over de years dat de mewn land’n wuz faked. O’ cose, we all kun Neil and Buzz na walked ed dat satellite, avyer seun dat flag rustle, like? Gerraway de flag rustles ed de mewn, like lah, there’s nah wind er atmosphuz thuz anyroad. And ‘ow do yous explain de astronauts sviv’n de van allun radiation belt, feller? There’s gerraway dee get through dat without dy’n o’ expose. Nah, ler rus tell yous now, dat wuz faker than de bristlers o’ a young Judy down at asda raid’n de ‘alf price shelf onna Fridee night lewk’n fe a pizza, ay tell yous.’
Needless to say, they fight. And Daniel Bryan wins because he is the vegan Jesus and the one true saviour of the planet.
Plus, he was trained by William Regal.
We’re at a stage in wrestling, where everyone was trained by Regal and Johnny Saint, the two greatest in-ring performers ever.
Apparently R-Truth and Carmella are number 30 in their respective Rumbles. How this has happened, considering one has dark skin and the other’s R-Truth, I don’t know.
Carmella’s face is incredible, it doesn’t move.
That’s because Big Cass spunks botox.
Samoa Joe vs Simba’s Dad
Joe sails in atop of wave of empty Coke bottles, drowning Mufasa in the middle of the ring and emerging victorious.
The wave doesn’t stop, and Tom Phillips gets a faceful of belly blubber for his troubles.
Andrade vs Rey Mysterio
Vince has previously said that neither of these two guys can draw, so tonight they prove they can.
Rey’s been taking lessons from the ghost of Tony Hart, and Andrade has spent the last month locked in at one of America’s art museums due to the Government shut down.
In the end, Rey paints a beautiful canvas of butterflies in a hurricane, representing the fleeting nature of life. Andrade draws a biologically accurate human centipede to counter.
Still surfing his plastic wave, Joe turns up and crushes them. He spits McNugget dust in both of their faces.
Randall comes out of nowhere without warning, which he can’t actually do now in the #MeToo era.
Bearly Reviewing Rating: Frankly, a relief to not watch Raw