Bearly Reviewing: KFC Tit Sweat

Hey ‘Bear. Been a couple of weeks since we did this. I went on holiday and mucked everything up. I only went to Hull and everything.

See anything nice while you were there?

All the sights. The two Greggs that are about 50 yards apart, in case the people of Hull can’t waddle that extra distance. A drive-thru KFC. Rivers of grease just running down the gutters as people sweated on their way to Primark.

That’s beautiful, I went to Byron Bay at the weekend. The constant sunshine was unbearable, the golden coast line was far too long to walk carrying a 10 month old baby and the locals we’re too friendly. There wasn’t even a KFC.

Are we sponsored by KFC?

Potentially. Although I’m not sure I can do that given the whole veganism thing. Those Hull people though. Fat sweat dripping out from the rolls under their tits. There were seagulls surfing on it.

Hull sounds better than the OVW class of 2002. Now, it’s intro time…

Welcome to the superbness is column writing, where we are writing INSTANTLY after we found the time this week. You guys have been loving this every week, so we do this for you, for free… erm, OVW… anything I forgot Oli?

I guess we need to talk about Roman Reigns here a bit? It took balls as big as mountains to do what he did on Raw this week, I think.

Let’s call him Joe. I’ll be honest, first thought that went through my head was “Ahhhh Vince has finally done it, he’s stooped so low as to use illness as a way to get someone over”. Then of course, I understood this was real, and honestly, it absolutely sucks.

For all the shit people have given him over the years, I’ve actually always been quite keen on Roman. The issues around his booking and all of that are kind of removed from him as a performer, and in the ring he’s rarely completely failed to get the job done. I think where WWE failed him is much more focussed around the way they moved him up the rankings and the places they put him in – but hey, somebody needed to be earmarked to have that top spot, and something like this was always going to happen to whoever was put there. It would have been interesting to see what would have happened to Finn Balor if Seth Rollins hadn’t added him to his hit list and instead he had been given a run as Universal Champion after, like, three weeks of being on Raw. Would people have shat on him? Or was that OK because he spent years in NJPW or something? Was Roman rejected because he didn’t have the indy kudos that others did, or because he was Vince’s boy or whatever, or because people actually didn’t think he was very good?

Probably because he was Vince’s boy, yeah, and seemingly had an instant foot in the door due to 4000 members of his family having wrestled for Vince. He was deemed to not have “done the hard yards” like a Daniel Bryan. That’ll go now, you don’t do many harder yards than fighting cancer.

Anyway, I hope he’s OK. Leukemia’s a shithead. And at least he’s getting Tweets from the Bella Twins saying they support him. That must give him a really good feeling inside, all warm and snuggly in his ballsack.

Are we being too serious? I think we might be being too serious.  Hey, are you going to watch WWE Sorry We Can’t Take You To Saudi Arabia this weekend?

Ssshhh, we can’t write about that, we might die in an interrogation that went wrong. I am looking forward to it more than I’m looking forward to the Saudi stuff to be honest. Unlike a lot of wrestling fans, I prefer watching young women in next to no clothing as supposed to old men.

I’m kinda looking forward to it. I don’t love that some part-timer has come back and immediately got a Raw Women’s Title opportunity, but it’ll be fun to see Ronda rip her arm off and beat her up with it. I hope that happens. Mostly just going to be watching for the Mae Young final and Becky vs Charlotte, though.

Shall we do Raw and try not to make jokes about Vince doing anything to get Roman over?

 

Bearly Reviewing Raw

Raw starts with poor Roman. He’s going to make cancer his bitch *wanks off his own fist*

The other Shield members come out and Seth is crying. Somewhere in England, Samuel Plan’ has his dick out, using his own tears as lube. Dean however, isn’t crying, so that’s interesting.

I’m sure that won’t mean anything later on.

Finn Balor vs Robert Franklin Lashley

In the ‘what did we miss when we went away’ field is Robert Franklin Lashley turning heel by beating up a defenseless fat man with less knees than Seth Rollins. He walks out here with tiny Lio Rush perched on his shoulder, whispering into his ear. ‘You can do this’, he says ‘remember, there’s no such word as can’t. You can’t spell ‘impossible’ without ‘possible’. Picture that tiny cat clinging to a window ledge – he didn’t give up fighting. Are you going to give up fighting? You’re not going to give up fighting, are you?

Finn wins which feels a bit daft when you’ve just turned Robert.

I completely missed this match because the sheer thought of two of the most boring people on the solar system squaring off was enough for me to drop.. INSTA style.

Doesn’t INSTA mean Instagram?

Nope, not at LOP, it means “to do something very average, very quickly”.

Sasha Banks vs Rubyy Riott

Well this is certainly a match.

Sasha loses after getting distracted by all the trained wrestlers wrestling at ringside. Afterwards she screams at her friends ‘where were you? Where were you when I needed you? I’m definitely turning on you all at WWE We Really Care About Women, Honest!’

Afterwards there is a stench of damp and an aura of arousal. Nia Jax spreads her labia to allow her tampon tunnel to deliver a promo.

‘This Sunday Mother Fuckers, this Sunday, at the Battle Royal, imma gonna bust ma finger on all y’all ass holes, and I aint got no ordinary finger, hear me? Feel me? Ma fingers be like  mother fuckin’ Lucielle from Walkin’ Dead. Me and Nia will be champion again, here wha’ I’m sayin’? YOU BEEN JAXED.’

Triple H and some backwoods hunter talk in a ring about how they’re old but still better than anybody young on the roster, something like that. Rainbow Taker and his brother Homo Kane interrupt from the big gay carnival they’re on. Both of them have glow sticks up their noses and say that, instead of bringing hell and fire to Crown Jewel, they’re bringing Mardi Gras and happiness, and will only turn up if D Generation X promises them they will join them on the float at the front of the carnival.

DX are a bit bewildered by this all, but agree. We’re having a big gay carnival in Saudi Arabia! What could go wrong?

Oli, could you imagine living in a country that voted Kane in as a mayor? Just a short while after voting in former WWE superstar and school shooting ambassador Donald Trump as president? What’s next?

Paul Heyman as the Secretary of the Treasury, I suspect. Speaking of which, just in case you thought Raw was a wrestling show, Paul Heyman comes out for a little chat. He says someone called Mike Lient will become the Universal Champion at WWE I Think I’ve Made A Huge Mistake. Braun Strowman, who after turning heel has already Big Showed his way back to face, says that he thinks that’s not actually going to happen.

Because Reasons, Drew McIntyre kicks Big Braun in the face. I bet that doesn’t have repercussions later!

Elias vs Apollo Crews

Elias wins because he’s not a literal warm turd in terms of personality.

Afterwards he goes to sing a song but Big Bad Baz Corbz says that he can’t do that. Elias beats him up for being a big bully and then plays a song stood on his corpse.

Elias is just a modern day Honky Tonk Man isn’t he? With worse hair.

The Bella Twins are here everyone, yay. So’s Ronda.

Nikki is all ‘your mother wishes you’d died in the womb!’ to Ronda, and Ronda says she’s going to rip her arm off and stuff it into her pussy at WWE Sorry, So Sorry, Really Sorry, Please Accept This As An Apology on Sunday.

Nia Jax vs Ember Moon vs Dana Brooke vs Tamina Snuka

This is all to promote what has been listed on Wikipedia as ‘Historic Women’s Battle Royal’. It’s a bit like the Miss WrestleMania Battle Royal, but HISTORIC!

Seriously though, if Molly Holly wins it and then cashes in her title shot on Becky Lynch I’m so down with it all.

Meanwhile, backstage Trish and Lita throw Alicia Fox and Mickie James into the clangy poles of doom.

The Remaining Members of The Shield vs ZiglIntyre

 

Well Dean, now that our brother in armth hath confeththed hith thecret to the world, I think it’th high time we let everyone know what the true nature of our relathionthip ith, don’t you?

Dog! Dog! With ears! Biscuits!

No Dean, you know ath well ath I do that I rethpect you far too much to allow thethe people to continue to refer to you ath my lap dog. You mean much, much more to me than that, and without Roman around perhapth we can finally be open about our true brotherhood.

Och, ur ye tois bent wee jimmies wi’ each other? ‘at woods explain a lot, a’ fowk has thooght fur a lang time ‘at ye waur givin’ each other th’ pipe but noo it seems yoo’re baith in th’ wey o come it. weel, guid fur ye Ah say, nae a’ fowk can tak’ it up th’ crease ‘at easily. Jist ask Taryn.

Oh Mithter McIntyre, you have got thith completely mithunderthtood I’m afriad, Dean and I aren’t in that kind of relathionthip, inthtead we want to let everyone here know that we are the very betht of friendth and consider ourthelves ath equalth in friendthip!

Friends! Central Perk! Gunther!

Dean, that’th thome fabulouth word aththothiathion there, what a tremendouth development for your brain! I never thought that thith day would come but maybe you’re ready for a trip to Thtarbuckth with me now and I will buy you a Pumpkin Thpiced Latte. It ith that time of year, after all.

Coffee! Sprinkles!

He’s definitely gain in th’ heed still, ye cannae tak’ heem it in public, he’s a danger tae a’ fowk he comes intae contact wi’. He micht bite them ur somethin’!

Dean’th never bitten anybody! He’th been a very loyal and kindly thidekick to me in the past few yearth, haven’t you Dean?

Dean? Aren’t you a great thidekick? We’re like Batman and Robin, or Cagney and Lathey!

Who the fuck are you calling a sidekick?

Dean?

 

Dean and Seth win and then immediately they can’t coexist.

My working theory here is that this is all Roman’s fault and if he hadn’t selfishly got leukemia and broken up The Shield again then Dean’s PTSD wouldn’t have triggered and he’d not have attacked Seth as a defense mechanism to hide his fear that, once again, the only thing that holds him together has fallen apart.

Bearly Rating: One hell of an ass kicking to Cancer

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