Bearly Reviewing: Main Event Menstruation

Hey ‘Bear. So, we didn’t do one of these last week even though Raw was in Manchester which is where you actually grew up, isn’t it? But you moved to Australia because, if I’m correct, they started to fill the city with cheese curds?

Actually, I was sent here because I stole some bread. It’s a very British thing to send people away to an island that is very hot and surrounded by beaches. Sunburn here is bad though, but I guess if I got my own sun to protect me from the sun, I’d be ok, right?

Is it not true then that you were hounded out of Manchester by a conglomerate including Morrissey, Victoria Wood, and Nicky Summerbee?

Yep, them along with Bernard Manning, Shayne Ward and the corpse of Caroline Ahern.

Because I thought that was true. Alan Ball talked all about it in his autobiography and everything. The Gallagher brothers were supposed to be involved but they couldn’t agree on who got to eat the Skittles they’d pinched from the One Stop.

Anyway, since we last did this Donald Trump has personally ordered another eleven mass shootings, which seems like a big number until you remember that he has a complex over his tiny hands.

I love former WWE Superstar Donald Trump.

 Bearly Reviewing Raw

Raw starts with…holy shit, Raw starts with wrestling! Hold on while I get the yellow pen.

The yellow pen, this early? What is this witchcraft?

Tag Team Battle Royal

Braun Strowman ends up crushing everyone. ‘FOR NICHOLAS!’ he screams.

This all ends up with Stephanie McMahon given Braun what he wants just so he’ll chill out.

She can’t give him the one thing he truly desires… To be small for a day.

For some reason then Ronda appears, and I can only hope it’s so she can fight Braun.

I hope to god she doesn’t get Braun’s hands, because she’ll probably injure them, and he wont have a catchphrase anymore..

Oh no, it’s so she can throw Big Bully Baz Corbin around actually. Fair enough.

Ember Moon vs Tamina Snuka

It’s David vs Goliath! Except in this case Goliath can barely walk in a straight line without making a twat of herself.

I really don’t like watching Tamina wrestle, it reminds me too much of all the other bad wrestling I’ve seen and the fact that her Dad is a murderer.

I miss the glory days when wrestlers could murder and get away with it, now days, you can’t even have a threesome with your boyfriend and black wrestler on film, without it getting out.

Dean Ambrose sets fire to some things. Seth Rollins is sad about it.

Jesus, more talking. Jafar and Iago don’t like Finlay Balor. Neither do I, so it’s fair enough.

The only thing LESS interesting than Finn Balor

  • The tag team Survivor Series Match
  • A Dave Fenichel post
  • Demon Balor

Dolphy Zigglers vs Finn Balor

I don’t know. This is probably one of those good but not really interesting matches that Raw does.

Finlay wins and gets to go to Survivor Series. But can they all co-exist?!?

How many hours of Raw have we watched and how much has been talking? Where’s Stan when you need him?

Anyway, Ronda does some talking and then Tamina threatens to set her Dad on her.

Natalya vs Rubyy Riott

Meanie Rubyy crushed Natalya’s Dad’s sunglasses last week. I bet *checks notes* Bret Hart is really unhappy about this destruction of his property.

Nobody wins, they don’t even have a match. Welcome to Raw, where we don’t ever bait and switch like WCW!

Bear, anything to say on that one?

Sorry just woke up, bloody Balor… every week, what did I miss?

Tag Team Battle Royal

Dad? Dad?!

Hold on there son, I’m just making sure my robe is GLORIOUS.

But Dad, I have another serious health question for you! Please help me Dad, please!’

Well son, you can ask – but I can’t promise you that my GLORIOUS response won’t shock you!’

Look, Dad, I really need your advice on this. I had phimosis and I’m on 8th day of my circumcision, my surgeon has done a good job and last 7 days hasn’t been easy either. Now, I was quite curious to look at my erect penis after circumcision and I watched porn to get an erection and was disappointed with what I could achieve. Few of my stitches have healed and on erection it was mostly flaccid. I didn’t have a strong hard erection. Even the erection didn’t last a minute. It feels like penis was running short of foreskin and will rip apart the healed stitches. Has anyone experienced this and will this get better once the wounds heal completely?? As the wounds are still healing, can this be the reason for flaccid Erection??

Son, let me say, if I got worried every time I couldn’t satisfy a woman I’d never have had you! Not that it was every really a problem, because my erection is GLORIOUS!’’

But…Dad? What if I can’t ever get a solid erection again? What if I never satisfy a woman, like people who comment on wrestling blogs?’

Son, fear not. There are other ways to satisfy a woman. Get down there and let your tongue do the talking my boy. Use those long fingers of yours and your genetic dexterity. You can do the arms, can’t you? The GLORIOUS arms?’’

Yes Dad! I’ve been practicing! Watch me go!’

SON! Your wrists are too limp, your fingers too stiff! You look like you have bird claws not arms! You’ll never satisfy me, let alone a woman!’

Sorry Dad, I’m so sorry I never meant to let you down. Can you please forgive me?’

Unlikely, son! Your failure to master even the basic wrist rotation of the GLORIOUS arms is beyond belief. Now here, eat this pretzel and then throw yourself down the stairs.’

Robert and Chad win, because they are a family, like a giant tree, reaching up towards the sky. Also because they were the only team that actually got an entrance.

Jinder appears with a bag of poppadoms and reminds us that last year he was a champion, and very nearly faced Brock Lesnar, but Brock didn’t want to because he hates brown people.

Brock beats up Jinder, the big racist.

Robert Franklin Lashley vs Elias

Because he’s a face now, Elias sings a song about how Robert smells like poop.

Is Robert still a flat Earther?

Sasha Banks vs Bayley

Like Linkin Park, in the end nothing really matters. Tamina throws her own father at both of the women in the ring and he kills them.

Rubyy Riott ends up on Team Raw.

Backstage we hear some screaming, and Becky has her whole arm inside Rondas anus. Becky is shouting at Ronda how she doesn’t care she’s on her period as she shoves her other fist deep into her clunge.

Becky looks like she’s going to take on the whole roster and Team Smackdown appear to beat the shit out of the RAW womens roster. To add insult to injury, Becky beats Ronda with a chair and goes down on her.

RAW ends with Becky covered in rondas menstruation after a disgusting act of lesbian savagery.

Bearly Rating: Tiny Aubergine Emoticon

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