Hey Oli, here were again, with this award winning column. How did you feel about the Rumble? Personally I thought it was dogshit. I also think I love Rousey too much, probably as much as you love Vegan Daniel, right?
Hey ‘Bear. I’m so happy Daniel Bryan has saved Rowan from his disgusting, planet destroying ways. He’s a true American Hero. I know it’s come in for some flack from fans, but I actually really liked AJ vs Daniel at the Rumble. It’s one of those bouts that feels like it was just at the wrong time.
Like the Ambrose vs Rollins one at TLC?
Yeah, that was a good match that didn’t really fit in with the story.
I’ll tell you what, though – my biggest takeaway from the Rumble, other than the Chinese I had during it, was that Bayley is still over. She’s been my favourite for so long, but I thought she was kind of just treading water. I’m glad the people still love her.
That and Rousey having her best match in WWE. Did you hear she might be bogging off to have some sex soon? Probably a heel act, for most of the Incel fans WWE has.
We’re losing Dean and the artist formerly known as KENTA too, that makes me sad. I keep reading that WWE is really trying to keep hold of talent, so good job by them.
I guess they now have a viable alternative that’ll pay them on time, unlike TNA.
You talking about AEW?
Yeah. It’s all quite exciting, isn’t it, this AEW stuff? I’m not necessarily surprised that it’s competing in terms of financials of deals given who’s behind it, but it sounds like they’re getting the behind the scenes stuff right as well, and possibly offering their wrestlers some better benefits.
I don’t know enough about contract law or anything, so unlike people who spend lengths of columns discussing the minutiae of things they know nothing about – let’s be honest, that’s also boring for the readers – I think stuff like medical insurance, especially in the US where they don’t have free and easy to access care like in some other, superior, countries, would be a pretty important thing to have contracted. Especially when you’re out there putting your body on the line every night. Right?
Right. Although people like Seth Rollins would presumably cost a bomb to insure.
Not least because he’s a liability and injures everyone he wrestles.
Did you see Jack Swagger make his MMA debut? R-Truth did a rap and everything, then he made the local postman tap out.
I did and, I mean, I’m not an MMA fan but I think he did well? That postman, though…he just didn’t deliver.
Bearly Reviewing Smackdown
We’re live from the Talking Stick arena, which is an actual name for an arena. I’d blame Trump, but every time we mention the hooker shagging dimwit we get negative feedback.
The arena is in Phoenix, Arizona. There are some famous people from there, like:
Muhammad Ali – shakey boxer, hated by white people
Dick Van Dyke – Proper Cockney
Thomas Kuntz – amusing surname
First out we have Overacting Becky who is still selling her leg injury, even though when it happened she grabbed the wrong leg and limped on that for a while before changing back,
She proclaims that she’s really tough for winning a Royal Rumble on one leg, despite the fact she tapped earlier in the night.
Charlotte comes out because someone has to always come out.
Charlotte just won’t piss off, will she? She’s like a genital wart.
Nobbly and ugly. They have a little fight.
Who STOOD TALL? I need to know!
R-Truth vs Nakamura
R-Truth winning makes me happy. People seem to not accept that he’s a really good wrestler who nobody has really bothered to care about.
This time last year Shitake Nagasaki had just won the Rumble and was choosing which title he would not-main-event ‘Mania with. Now he’s just lost the US Title to R-Truth…
I hope there’s a direct parentage line between Shitake and Kendo Nagasaki. The twist is that that Shitake was actually born to a Blackpool prostitute and isn’t Japanese at all, he’s just really into dressing up.
Do you know much about the prostitute scene of Blackpool?
They must have one, right? Every city has one, it’s just a case of finding the right place.
I bet William Regal has the scoop.
R-Truth vs Rusev
Ahhhhh… OK so this is all some weird way to get the title back to everyone’s 2nd favourite Bulgarian behind Stoichkov?
There was that one weird year in the 90s where someone other that Stoichkov won Bulgarian footballer of the year, despite it being the year Stoichkov won everything with Barcelona.
Yeah, I think it was Kostadinov? Played for Porto.
Wait, Truth has won again. What is happening.
Is there just going to be a conveyor belt of challengers for 2.5 hours? And Truth beats them all? That’s the best angle ever.
The Truth Gauntlet. Incidentally, this is also what I will now call the Mueller investigation into Trump.
Nope. Truth gets beaten up by what must be a new tag team in Nakamura and Rusev, because when people of ethnic background can’t get over as solo wrestlers, they become a tag team. Hello New Day… Hello The Bar
Don’t forget the League of Nations. Remember them?
Rey Mysterio vs Samoa Joe
This was supposed to be a match, but Andrade turned up and beat Rey into a mess.
Joe turns up and eats the leftovers, rowing a dinghy made of chicken carcasses on top of a sea of milkshakes..
Shane O’Mac and Miz celebrating with Miz’s Dad
Here, this is nice, Miz’s Dad says he’s proud of his son.
What a lovely moment for everyone involved.
I can’t even make a bad joke about it, I’m genuinely touched.
Naomi was a big meanie to Mandy Rose a while ago. Watching Mandy try to express human emotion is an extreme sport.
Sonya again watches mournfully on, wishing that Mandy would just see what’s right in front of her.
Heavy Machinery vs The Bar vs The Usos vs The New Day
This is to work out who gets to lose to The Best Wrestler In The World and The Miz next.
I wonder if the team that isn’t even signed to Smackdown will win?
They don’t win.
So it’s one of the three teams that is always challenging for the Smackdown tag titles?
Well that’ll be fun.
The Usos win, I don’t know why, they’re going to become tag champs for the billionth time I suspect.
‘’Ello there, it’s me, Daniel Bryan ‘ere. Now, I wanna talk to you today about the proper care of tomahtoes, makin’ shure that your tomahto crops grow lovely an’ tall an’d shiny an’ red, all ready for you to eat in the zummer with a lovely salad.
Now, when your plantin’ your tomahtoes out in the garden, it’s important to remember that you’ve got to avoid the frost, see. Otherwise your tomahtoes are going to suffer like so many meat eating bastards do and die early. Make sure they face North and get lots of lovely, lovely sunshine, just like I do everyday workin’ out in me garden while Brie an’ Birdie ‘ave picnics and watch me work. I tell you for what, the other day I was ‘appily pruning me clematus back an’ Birdie waddled over to me to ‘elp. And she looks at me and hands me the secateurs. An’ right then I hear from the house ‘Daniel you pungent bastard, come in here and make me some fucking Ryvita crackers and cucumber sticks, you know I need to eat every six hours! And wash your hands, you raggedy shit!’ So, I picked up Birdie an’ walked into the kitchen, and gave my hands a good wash with ecologically biodegradable soap, an’ then I gently scraped some organic hummus over those crackers, sliced some cucumber into sticks, and took it in to Brie.
Anyways, I then went back to me garden, like, and carried on looking at me clematus, and then I realised that I was snipping the wrong tendril. Well, let me tell you, I was devastated, I thought I’d damaged it beyond all repair. An’ as I stood there with me secateurs in hand a single tear rolled down me cheek. The salty liquid ran off me chin and dripped onto the roots of the clematus, and then I was shocked to see the tendril I’d just snipped burst back into life. It was a miracle! I danced a little jig to me favourite song, singing it all the while:
I want to be an Eddie Stobart Driver
Behind the wheel is where I want to be
O let me be an Eddie Stobart Driver (ooh ahh)
The finest firm in haulage history
And as I jigged to meself, happy as Larry an’ all of that, Birdie to toddle over to join me, clutching me ‘and an’ swaying to the sound of me voice. An’ I realised right then that me tears had brought a beautiful flower back to life, and I questioned, to meself, like, whether I could use this power for good.’
Oh look Daniel Bryan’s got a new Championship Belt.
YES! Finally, a belt the man deserves to be wearing.
The best thing is, I want to buy one, but wanting to buy one is exactly what Daniel Bryan doesn’t want.
He says it’s made out of hemp. Somewhere in NXT, Matt Riddle’s ears prick up.
It would be remiss of us not to make a ‘Daniel Bryan’s got wood’ joke, wouldn’t it?
Absolutely. Oh look, Rowan’s there too, the new eco-warrior, like someone who took up Veganuary and decided it was all a good idea. And the old belt goes in the bin, where it should be, although I think the metal could be salvaged and recycled.
This brings out five other people to challenge Bryan.
Fortunately, they need six people to have an Elimination Chamber match at the Elimination Chamber pay per view. Lucky, really.
Very lucky. I’m surprised that many wrestlers can exist in the same place without fighting each other.
They can’t. Everyone fights.