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Imp’s Worst Case Scenarios
WWE Hell In A Cell
WWE Hell in A Cell is once again upon us… yeah I can’t even feign it, I’m not hyped at all. But who doesn’t like steel?
So for the first time since Elimation Chamber, I bring you the game that helps make everything seem a little bit better in perspective. As Hell In A Cell 2017 was the first time I ever penned one of these, it’s once again time to play Worst Case Scenarios! Previewing the upcoming WWE PPV by booking it as badly as possible: the wrong winners, destroy momentum, set up God awful storylines.
The best worst case scenarios genuinely hurt. Remember that feeling watching Reigns vs Joe at Backlash? Or Jinder’s racist promo on Nakamura? Yeah, that pain in your stomach is what we’re going for. Like my parents always said, “Not angry, just disappointed.”
SmackDown Tag Team Championships
New Day vs Rusev Day
It’s Rusev Daaaaaaay! Lose one tournament? Eh, who cares? You can win the next one! A quick disclaimer, I wrote this before the match was moved to the Pre Show. So the comedy is probably more at home on the lower platform, but the title changing hands makes the match all the more random. Is it good or bad to have titles change hands on the Kick Off show?
Aided by the philosophy of: What makes Twitter cry ‘Waaaaah!’? Pulled from the basket of many, many points of contention on the ol’ internet, is the booking revelation of outside interference! I know, I know. This gimmick should really be reserved for a main event level disappointment, but why waste the opportunity presented to us with people already at ringside?
Rusev Day have pretty much been solid faces since WrestleMania after dancing the line between good/evil for months beforehand. So let’s confuse things by having Lana throw her shoe, interfering old school heel style! She used to do that right? I’m not making crap up? Anyway, Kofi helps his teammates deflect the projectile by throwing them pancakes to use as shields. Let’s say they were overcooked. Yeah, they deflect a shoe using overcooked pancakes.
Over the ‘heel’ move (ha shoes) the ref ejects both Lana and Kofi, which gives Rusev & English the opportunity to launch pancake after pancake at Big E & Xavier. The two New Day members sell as if genuinely concussed and blinded and Aiden English scores the pin. New SmackDown Tag Team Champions!
Pure silliness and I’d assume Rusev/English somehow lose momentum despite winning. The Zack Ryder tactic: oh you want this guy pushed? Fine, but he’s getting pushed as an idiot. There was a whole tournament as well to build this up, got to make sure we devalue as much as possible in one swoop.
RESULT: Rusev Day win via distraction/pancake bombardment.
RAW Tag Team Championships
Dolph Ziggler & Drew McIntyre vs Seth Rollins & Dean Ambrose
Remember guys, they’re not The Shield. Just Seth & Dean having so much fun, working together they get the job done. Also this match was really difficult to figure who the wrong victor would be. Both teams are bloody great and this arc isn’t ending any time soon. So really it depends on the grander picture, what are WWE planning for this Braun & Ziggler/Dolph vs The Shield feud?
So the best one can do is both damage and disappoint. I present to you, the Big ol’ brawl ending in a count-out draw. After tagging in, Ambrose goes full crazy, McIntyre squeals and runs away into the crowd. But before he can get away he slips on a banana, landing right hard on his bum! Allowing Ambrose to catch up and lay down those lunatic punches.
Ziggler & Rollins just stand at the barricade calling for them to come back, watching on like worried parents. Suddenly realising the situation, Dolph attacks Seth as the ref counts to ten. Double count-out equals championships retained! Twitter goes mental whenever there’s any whimper of a double count out on PPV, nevermind one that’s kind of sudden and out of nowhere in an anticpated match.
Oh yeah, and Seth looks like a bit of an idiot, so that’s a nice added bonus. I was becoming worried the Architect has been seeming too smart as of late anyway. Gotta dumb that man down again. Whatever happened to reasonably smart, but still dumb enough to accidently post a public dick pic?
RESULT: McIntyre can’t handle the lunacy, but slips on a banana in his attempted escape. Match ends in a count out brawl regardless and Ziggler/Dolph retain!
(Hell In A Cell Match)
Jeff Hardy vs Randy Orton
Fade away and classify myself as obsolete, obso- ow my ear! I’m so proud I’ve managed to keep this one somewhat PG. Everything about this build has been dancing the family friendly line: ear hole finger rape, Orton creepily ‘maintaining the peep’, RKOs out of nowhere. It was all there folks.
But you know what won’t be there? Anything cool from Jeff Hardy, gotta get Orton that heat, brah! Jeff’s been hyping up something special on Twitter, I think we need to bring those excited fans back down to Earth. So Orton destroys Hardy, he can whip him into the cell n’ violate his ear hole, but nothing too fancy. Then the Viper wins with his signature ‘Vintage Orton!’ manoeuvres and caps the match off with an RKO. 1, 2, 3.
End of story. No crazy spot, no overcoming for the Enigma, just Randy fingering Jeff’s ear hole again and beating the crap out him.
RESULT: Hardy has been promising something memorable, so Orton beats the crap out of the man before he can do anything.
Daniel Bryan & Brie Bella vs The Miz & Maryse
My brother genuinely thought Brie Bella’s theme was, “Briie moode. F-, f-, f-, f-, f-, f-, f-, f-, fuck that shiit.” It’s all I hear now, I’m singing it every time.
As this is Worst Case Scenarios, Brie Bella must wrestle as much as possible. I mean, come on, we’ve got to give her a few more chances to nail that suicide dive. So here Brie Bella gets her chance, with one hell of a push, just in time for the Bellas to feel relevant for Evolution! Why give any momentum to Bryan and Miz when you can give it ALL to Brie Bella!
Brie beats up Maryse, takes down Miz in the corner, does the YES! chants, the YES! kicks, the- yeah, she just does all of Daniel Bryan’s stuff. To end the match, Brie simply wins with the YES! Lock because she’s so damn good.
Don’t forget the Bella Twins are off again after Evolution. I’m going full part-timer super booking here! Screw Bryan & Miz’s multi year story, we’ve got Total Divas stars The Bella Twins for two months. So let’s make them seem like the most talented legends in the business, but just for tonight… and only till Evolution… after that they’re dead to us.
RESULT: Briiiie mooode runs wild all over those Mizanian suckers.
SmackDown Women’s Championship
Charlotte Flair vs Becky Lynch
Surely WWE can’t muck this one up, right? They’ve course corrected so wonderfully and it’d be such a shame. Becky Lynch has this special aura around her, she doesn’t even need to do much on a given episode and it’ll still feel significant. So I may have written a worried column the week after SummerSlam, but now… now things are in a much better place.
That said, this is Worst Case Scenarios not The Praise WWE Show. Let’s think and figure out that way to get Charlotte to win clean. Personally, I really do feel like the worst thing WWE could do is book Charlotte to defeat the odds and overcome her dastardly opponent. The John Cena special! Build up a great adversary, purely for the goal of giving the babyface champ an obstacle to overcome.
So Becky resorts to baddy tactics, dirty pins, taunting, ground stomping, leaving rope breaks to the last second, etc. Hell, the Irish lass can even insult the crowd, because that was one thing even I banged on about them probably stepping back from doing. Then when all hope appears to be lost, Charlotte fights back! Queen Flair rocks a Spear, follows up with a Natural Selection echoing the SummerSlam finish and finally wins with the Figure 8 out of nowhere. Why work the leg when you can surprise!
Charlotte the triumphant hero, putting an end to the evil villain – which we all agree was the evil one because I said we all agree, I SAID WE ALL AGREE DAMMIT – to bed. Nice try Becky, but contrary to Senior Ramon, bad guys are the ones that never win.
RESULT: Charlotte overcomes the odds and vanquishes the evil Irish entity!
RAW Women’s Championship
Ronda Rousey vs Alexa Bliss
A certain Mark Henry theme comes to mind- no not that one. Wing Splitter Ronda Rousey is marching into the Hell In A Cell PPV looking to produce another episode of Breaking Bliss. After making quick work of the former champ at SummerSlam, surely this match will be simply another case of ‘wam-bam-pin me, mam’?
Kind of, but with the fan groaning directed at the all women Evolution PPV card in mind, let’s drag this particular encounter out a bit. The ringside folk can help out a bit as well, none of them have a manager’s licence and they’re all lucky Corbin was polite enough to allow them to cheer on.
So all the ringside friends get involved! Alicia interferes and Natalya interferes back, Mickie James interferes and the Bella Twins even the odds. Eventually ending in Ronda being able to finally just beat the crap out of Bliss once again. An easy 1, 2, 3 once the match was allowed to properly play out.
However, this is all done with the aftermath in mind. With the idea of Ronda looking as strong AF, right before the ‘surprise’ Bella Twins turn. Guys, remember, we’ve got to make Nikki & Brie look as strong as possible. So Rousey destroys Bliss, then the Bellas take down both Natalya and the champ. With the twins standing tall at the end of the day, accompanied by all those fans reacting ecstatically for the Rousey/ Bella feud now upon us.
RESULT: Everyone interferes, once the match actually gets going Rousey destroys Alexa with ease. However this was all done so the Bella Twins could turn and look as strong as possible in doing so. Gooo, Bellas!
AJ Styles vs Samoa Joe
Oh, WENDYYY! I get the impression that if this feud was given to anyone else it would be utter bollocks, but in the hands of Joe…
Anyway, let’s book this as awfully as possible. So Joe comes down to the ring wearing a Wendy’s shirt, some Velveteen Dream-esque apparel mind games right there. You know, get the fans into the expectation of an intriguing game of the minds. Only to deliver a boring display of headlocks, courtesy of Samoa Joe and the success of his Backlash main event with Roman Reigns.
So in this ‘heated’ feud Samoa Joe takes us all to Headlock City, then AJ Styles hits two moves and wins. Hooray, next! Okay, okay, that’s boring but is it shit enough? So let’s say, AJ’s moves have to be pure impact moves (pardon the pun), just like Roman. In fact, we’re now going to be booking AJ as the Superman comeback guy! Hits nothing for the entire match, then Hulks up, hits a couple of signature moves and wins. Cue posing to the crowd as the credits roll (or in this case as the Mountain Dew commercial plays).
You see, AJ Styles is a great wrestler, so he can’t be doing that. Could even have Cole close the segment out with, “Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s Phenomeman!”
Boy, if anything that’s going to get too over.
RESULT: Joe takes AJ to Headlock City, then AJ hits two moves and wins. The posing for the crowd ensues and lasts longer than the actual match.
(Hell In A Cell Match)
WWE Universal Championship
Roman Reigns vs Braun Strowman
w/Special Guest Referee: Mick Foley
Two big lads clobbering each other with big lad wrestling. Oh and good ol’ Mick is there to have some good nostalgia times AKA Braun’s source of heat AKA good luck trying to get out of this without taking a bump, Mr Foley.
I’m scared this is actually going to happen, maybe I shouldn’t say it just in case… ah screw it, what’s the worst that could happen?
This feud has essentially been The Shield vs every heel on the RAW roster, so why stop that now? Because the gigantic steel cell? Pffft, if this match ends without Braun Strowman breaking through something I’ll be amazed. Dear readers, what happens when a door is opened or a wall is broken down creating an opening into the cell? That’s right, interference!
So let’s get every bad Thomas, Richard and Harold out there to beat down Roman Reigns. Everyone from Mike Kanellis to Kevin Owens – regardless of Strowman history – runs down and through the broken cell wall. They all beat down Reigns, stomping the Big Dog into oblivion in the center of the ring. Or so you think… because that’s when the champ fights back and takes out every single one of the RAW heels. One after the other, Superman Punch after Superman Punch.
When they’re all down, he locks eyes with Strowman (that sounded too sexual, unless…) and Strowman does the Hogan finger point of doom, “Yooou!” Only for Foley to whip out Mr Socko and the Mandible Claw on the monster, with the champ down Reigns goes to the corner to hit the man with a Superman Punch just like everybody else.
Which is when Baron Corbin runs down in a last ditch attempt to halt a Reigns victory, but he slips on a banana and flies head first into the cell. Unconscious Corbin lays out cold as Reigns nails the Superman Punch and the Spear for the win.
All the heels ran to the ring on Corbin’s orders and on RAW we can have th next feud officially set up for the champ: Reigns vs the entire heel roster, headed by Corbin with Strowman & Ziggler/Dolph at the top. The rest are just fodder for the Big Dog.
Can already smell the dollar signs.
RESULT: Reigns Superman Punches every RAW roster heel, before finishing off Strowman with the help of Foley.
And that brings me to the end of Worst Case Scenarios for Hell In A Cell. How’d I do? I find it hard to judge when I’m meant to be creating the feeling of disappointment. Can YOU book Hell In A Cell worse than I have?
Just remember, no matter how things get it could always be worse. Much, much worse.
P.S. – Ziggler/Dolph is an inside joke at fellow LOP columnist Mazza’s expense. Now I’ve put this here I’ll know who didn’t read to the end and immediately cried, “MISTAAAKE!”. Big Imp is watching. -_-
Email Imp – firstname.lastname@example.org
Imp played Worst Case Scenarios for Hell In A Cell last Thursday on LOP Radio, you can listen here:
Links to Imp’s latest columns:
Imp’s Adventure: ALL IN and the List of Pointless Comparisons
Imp’s WWE Adventure: Are You Wrong To Cheer Becky Lynch?
Imp’s WWE Adventure: SummerSlam and Storytelling over Wrestling
Imp’s WWE Adventure: Lesnar vs Reigns IV: Down As Smooth As A Dog On A Slide
Imp’s NJPW Adventure: NO ROPE EXPLOSIVE BARBED WIRE DEATHMATCH
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