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IN LAIMAN’S TERMS #341 – Thoughts on RAW – 1-8-18
1. If anything can get people to boo someone else and sympathize with Roman Reigns, it’s sending Jason Jordan out. Well played!
2. I actually really dig the way Jordan tries to weasel his way in. At least, unlike someone like Emma, there’s a perspective where the thought can at least be justified.
3. I like how Crossfit Jesus is also annoyed with him, and Jordan keeps it up. This works so much better than the new-gen Rocky Maivia.
4. Who interrupts bullying the red-headed step child of the group but… the Bullet Club?! Balor’s actually allowed to have a personality now, and Club Sandwich is doing something other than shilling merch.
5. It’s nice of the Club Sandwich to give some exposition as their promo.
6. Crossfit Jesus’s facepalm is the best thing I’ve seen all year.
7. Thank you Kurt for interrupting us to remind us of the promo line for the show. That wasn’t forced and awkward. Six-man tag though? I’m so down. Maybe it’s the bit of “Seattle Enhancement” I’ve acquired, but… There is no but.
8. I wish I’d been paying more attention. The Cavs are downtown Minneapolis tonight and I didn’t even know it until right now.
9. Take a drink for every time we have to hear Stephanie being the dominant voice of the women’s Royal Rumble despite not being in it.
10. 2018 is here and we’re once again going to go with the same teams facing each other yet again. Kudos.
11. “You will always be remembered as the inaugural winner of the Rumble match.” Well you would be if we didn’t remind you every single week every chance we got, but if we didn’t, you’d definitely remember!
12. Team Face wins this time, which really won’t matter because they’ll just face each other again next week, but Paige in that outfit makes everything okay.
13. Okay, I’ll always be a Kane mark, but Michael Cole… He hasn’t lost a step? Really?
14. OhmyJBL, it’s Goldust doing Burgess Meredith…
15. Thanks for Shaky cam worse than the Blair Witch Project, Alicia Fox. I’m so glad we’re watching Facebook videos on TV right now. Pad-ding, Pad-ding, PAD-DING!
16. And the early candidate for HAM of the Year for 2018 has arrived! I wonder how the Cavs are doing… Well fuck… Nevermind.
17. He’s facing Curt Hawkins, so I’m turning back to the Cavs game.
18. If Matt Hardy started one match with the Delirious freakout at the sound of the bell, I’d give them all my money.
19. What the hell am I watching right now? Goat-off 2018, apparently…
20. Bray Wyatt did his Sabu thing to the ring to laugh while Matt Hardy goat-Hitachi magic wanded that segment. Okay.
21. Anyway, here’s Wonderbeard. Look at him playing up the WWE = Walk with Elias thing.
22. Here he is, the HAM of the Yearniverse! And on RAW, they’re talking about Tommy Wiseau right now… What a time to be alive. Question though, when did he decide to get his haircut like a bad dimension Frankie Muniz?
23. The part of Bo Dallas’s hair tonight will be played by Aron Ra.
24. The Miztourage become “No he likes me better!” because why the hell not at this point? The Mizzysitter is on call.
25. They want me to watch Enzo Amore being a dick to Graves? What I wouldn’t give to see him go SJK on that little…
26. The fact that people still sing along with this shows how people really will chant anything.
27. I’m so glad in 25 years of RAW, the only two things Stone Cold ever did that they can mention are the beer truck and the bedpan.
28. This hyped match hasn’t been much of anything yet. I really, really want to care about the cruiserweight division.
29. Holy shit, Enzo’s got some Flair-like crimson-masking going on, and is refusing some towel help. He is not doing well on that knee, though that may be so Cedric wins by countout and thus doesn’t get the title. Excitement. How is it that he somehow looks surprised by this title decision? Does he not know the rules?
30. I’m cool with the 25 year celebration of RAW, but do they have to make us listen to Nickelback for it? I mean, there’s Stephanie promo cruelty, and then there’s that.
31: Enzo to Nia: “How are you doing” He’s going through the series of 90’s Budweiser commercials now. He must be in love.
32. Does Shesaro have a really bad cold? There’s a lot of sniffling going on. it is cute though that they have the same slogan as the Ford-150.
33. Miz and the Series of Hyperbole has gotten an upgrade. He must’ve heard he’d had to compete with Broken Matt to retain the title slightly more important than his beloved IC title.
34. Wait, why does he book one rematch for the Rumble and the other for a RAW? Oh wait, 25th anniversary, right. My bad.
35. Ah, Cole, switching gears? You’ve avoided that one for so long! It’s not even on my RAW bingo card anymore. And oh goodie, more Facebook videos… But Miz is teaming with… Asuka? At the risk of using his phrase… Awesome!
36. Wait, Sasha and Finn in a remake of Who’s the Boss? Only if Finn does his best to sound like Tony Danza.
37. What is with the sound mix tonight? The volume is out of control! And that Asuka shirt is freaking badass.
38. The Bar is facing Titus Worldwide, because of course they are. The Club Sandwich is busy for a change.
39. Titus Worldwide won a match? I am so confused. What is life? The cake is a lie. Snake, why are you in a cardboard box? I need scissors, 61. Load the spaceship with the rocket fuel. Up is down, north is south, Mars is hell, what the hell just happened?
40. Now it’s time for Bork Laser and former HAM of the Year, Paul Heyman, while Michael Cole explains what a triple threat match is. Let’s only hope that the match is better than the sign spelling of that “awesome” sign in the crowd.
41. According to Paul’s promotion, he’s not only the baddest dude on the planet, but he’s going to rescue the president as well.
42. Kane attacks Bork, and then Braun attacks them both backstage. Braun throws Bork so hard that I think he got crashed on by some cases unintentionally. That couldn’t have felt good. Braun then decides he’s going to…. Scale a mountain? No, he’s going to pull the set down. This guy still has a job… how?
43. Now it’s time for the Goldust/Lance Storm circa 2004 duo shenanigans facing Samoa Joe, and yeah… Joe wins and smashes people.
44. As we listen to this dead crowd that was on fire at the beginning, we also notice two levels of the arena blacked out, and I don’t imagine that’s a coincidence.
45. Joe gives his post-match promo, and particularly picks out John Cena, so… we know who he’s facing at WrestleMania now.
46. To hear all these legendary names, and then have the Bella Twins being mentioned there too…
47. What’s with the Nascar driver treating Mountain Dew like it’s in a porn scene?
48. Another attack from behind sends Asuka’s wardrobe decision into an unfortunate ending.
49. They’re having a vote for Bayley’s partner, and it’s “which one of these three heels?”
50. I’m truly so glad to see a different main event, especially having the Shield not facing the Bar in some capacity. It’s also nice to see Finn finally out of the doldrums for making a hand sign.
51. Jordan predictably screws things up again, and Roman takes out his frustration by punching the Club Sandwich right in the fuck. Apparently that’s his berserk button.
52. So after getting jobbed to Kane three times and screwing around with the Miztourage, Finn Balor and Club beat the Shield in the main event. Makes sense.
53. Afterward, the Miz makes a sneak attack in a vest that Koko B Ware would find loud, and Bo Ra was nice enough to try to match that wardrobe HAMminess.
54. Isn’t this how the October Miztourage/Shield feud started?
55. So… That show was all over the place. They’re clearly stalling until the Rumble, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t pull out some huge surprises already. This show just feels endless sometimes, and not in good ways. I can see why the Hulu edition is easier to watch. Half the time, skip the bullshit. It is really difficult to focus through three hours of this stuff with this much filler and extra bullshit. But I’m psyched for the 25th and the Rumble, and hoping the latter is a lot better than the borefest that was last year’s.
HAM OF THE NIGHT
Gotta go to Hardy. What the hell…
2012- Daniel Bryan
2013- Paul Heyman
2016 – Chris Jericho
2017 – The Miz
1-8-18 – Woken Matt