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IN LAIMAN’S TERMS #342 – Thoughts on RAW – 1-15-18
1. Tuned in a few minutes late because I forgot what day it was. Apparently Braun is being thrown out of the building by the dumbest security guard in history. Strowman got fired? What did he do this time that was finally enough for this business to get noticed?
2. Wait, they’re showing the snapshots of moments on RAW now? Have they lost so much mney that they cant afford their own replays from TV?
3. Sheesh, even with that upset win last week, Titus O’Neil’s music still inspires silence. Or the Shining Stars pop, if you will.
4. Once again, WWE’s booking plan of the last few years: we had a match result between two teams, so let’s have them face each other in the exact same match this week. Don’t worry, it’ll never get old. It can go four or five months before people will notice.
5. Oh shit, I’m watching that tag match again, sorry. The heels have dominated during the commercial? Surely you jest!
6. Angle fired him for what he did last week, but not when he flipped an ambulance with their most cherished beloved chosen son inside it? What sense does that make?
7. Booker responding to the standing moonsault that Apollo has done in almost every match I’ve ever seen him in is so incredulous. I wish I could find that level of excitement.
8. The match is interrupted by… Jason Jordan? This helps Apollo get the distraction, and the champs lose again. All right, that’s fine, and it teases more dissent because Crossfit Jesus is not impressed. Yes, the guy who crashed a Takeover to attack his boss is suddenly against creating a distraction in a match involving the team he’s been feuding with for a half year because reasons.
9. Braun storms backstage looking for shit, but there’s a red light. We know what that means. Either Kane’s there, or Sting failed to get Roxanne to oblige.
10. Some random guy comes into catering like Billy the Kid was about to enter the saloon, and Curt Hawkins regrets his trip to catering. Braun then gets a moment of hilarity by… Okay that’s not fair, now I want chocolate cake. You can’t do this to me. Showing me chocolate cake when I don’t have chocolate cake. Now I’m gonna have to send Aiden to get chocolate cake, thanks RAW.
11. Oh, it’s Enzo. If anything could kill a fun craving, it’s Enzo Amore.
12. “Wanna know how I’m doin’?” Nope!
13. He’s talking about Braun Strowman. Please tell me this means Braun is about to go pre-Deadly Games ’98 and chokeslam the fuck out of anyone saying anything.
14. How did Enzo and Tony Nese manage to look surprised to hear the music of the guy he’s facing? And Goldust is now being best buddies with Cedric and still making movie references. I’m glad to see a veteran putting over/mentoring a young talent with great potential like this, even if it doesn’t make any sense.
15. Cedric does Enzo’s schtick down to the letter. Was it supposed to be a Big Cass impression or something? I’m confused.
16. I don’t know if this is something Tony Nese does all the time because I watch 205Live as often as I watch Total Divas, but the crunches with corner kicks was hilarious. Unlike the guy who calls the matches all the times and was surprised, I legit don’t remember seeing that.
17. Did they just namedrop Drax? I barely watch Marvel movies and even I caught that one.
18. Really Kurt, you’ve never seen anything like this? You had major feuds with Stone Cold Steve Austin, a guy famous for beating up his boss! They come in to tell Kurt that he’s headed for the production trucks. He says “they’re worth twelve million dollars” with all the emotion of the Stresspert on the IT Crowd flying off the handle into a slightly more emotive whisper.
19. “How do I shut this stuff off?” I don’t know, DX figured it out pretty quickly. I’m guessing Kurt gives him his job back so he’ll stop threatening all those Full Sail students. Amazing how they’re asking if they’re still on the air as they’re on the air.
20. Oh for fuck’s sake, what is this, the NWO in 2002 with Eddie Guerrero’s lift kit jerking the production truck around? Kurt called the cops for a willful destruction of property. Braun then goes away, and then… John Bradshaw Fucking Layfield, Kevin Dunn, there were like 12 quick cuts between different camera angles in about five seconds. What in the actual shitgoblins was that?
21. Now some guy is following him around telling him that someone’s in a meeting, because these are the slowest moving cops in history. Now Braun is back in the arena because this isn’t silly at all. Braun comes for the announcers, and Cole says “Ohmygod!” more times than when he’s reading off a script during a Shane McMahon match. Braun grabs Cole and somehow that’s supposed to be a bad thing.
22. Kurt called off the cops, Stephanie McMahon rehired him… Why? For destroying a semi? But oh wait, Braun comes back to Michael Cole, which I’m completely okay with, and he gets thrown into 24 indy stars. Does that mean… We get to have a RAW… Without Michael Cole on commentary? This show’s getting better!
23. Roman Reigns is facing the Miztourage tonight? Ugh.
24. I guess Nia Jax is back from soup duty.
25. Seriously, what is with the PPV-style recaps of last week? They’re annoying enough after the actual PPVs!
26. Let’s go ahead and give away Nia/Asuka. Why not?
27. So Jax. Much power. Wow.
28. Say irresistable force one more JBLdamn time!
29. The three-year undefeated streak of Asuka is on the line, which we’ll in no way mention involved at least one match against Nia, that’d be silly.
30. A Nia Jax match with an inconclusive finish? I’ll be damned, they’ll try anything, won’t they?
31. Kurt goes through his disheveled office and couldn’t be more annoyed with Jason Jordan’s bad timing.
32. Jason Jordan’s suggestion for CFJ to have a match to keep him sharp is the best thing Jordan’s done since this ridiculous angle (no Kurt) began. But we’re getting Finn and Crossfit Jesus? I am so okay with this.
33. Meanwhile, Alexa continues her festival of friendship-esque kissing up to Nia while Enzo comes in to compete with her for attention.
34. We come back with a jobber-entranced Revival against a random jobber tag team, one of whom is going for a modern-day Rufio look, I assume. I wonder if halftime’s over.
35. Shit, they’re about to get Ascension’d next week, aren’t they?
36. Isn’t it a little presumptive to call Elias a legend at this point?
37. Elias hoping Michael Cole is okay makes the tech guys laugh so hard that the mic screws up.
38. I’m so glad that because an anniversary show is coming up, people have to do the “mention a popular name for a cheap pop” trope 38 times. I had no idea all those superstars (and the Bella Twins) were gonna be there! Amazing!
39. Roman’s match will be in its usual spot: right at the top of the third hour. Subtle.
40. Miz cuts a promo about being the missing spark, because this week he looks like Val Kilmer in Top Gun. Always good to up the Douchebag-o-meter when possible. Oh good, another reality show…
41. It’s really hard to take this match seriously, considering these two haven’t done a damn thing in months yet somehow get main-event level matches with Roman Reigns.
42. Okay, making your opponent DDT their own tag team partner was freaking awesome. I loved that!
43. It’s the Paige hour, and unfortunately these stupid snapshots caught her on the outside in the most unfortunate freeze frame I’ve seen all night. Now we’ve got some combination of the same feud we’ve been seeing, so…
44. A Ken Shamrock reference, wow. They really do have an anniversary show coming up.
45. That entrance theme with Matt’s goat laugh… Can we just name him HAM of the Year already? Who is even on the same planet as him at this point?
46. I feel like they could take a page from the crazy R-Truth angle and just have him speak his entrance theme.
47. But Matt Hardy vs. Heath Slater… I don’t know how they manage to be stalling for two different shows, but next week should be interesting at least.
48. Rhyno gives Heath Slater the same directions eight times before Slater decides to tackle the goat that gained sentience and wants to graze in the Himilayas while contemplating the peace gained during the Restaurant Wars. Maybe the Taco Bell Illuminati is how we end up with Demolition Man future, you don’t know!
49. Corey Graves is such a snarky bastard that it’s hard to tell if everything he’s saying is sarcastic or not. Either way, it’s entertaining as hell.
50. Good for Goldberg. I mean, it was pretty obvious when they brought him back that it was heading that way, but his last run was a huge redemption for the early aughts one.
51. Holy shit, an actual replay? What is this witchcraft?
52. A camera on top of the truck? Wonder why that would’ve been there. Dear JBL…
53. At least we have some multi-faceted feuds, as we have the Bullet Club with CFJ, CFJ and Roman with the Miztourage, CFJ and Roman with the Bar, the Bar with Titus Worldwide. I’ll take that over the same single-line feud any day.
54. I realize it’s because they had to call an audible, and whenever someone not named Roman Reigns gets booed that bad they have to, but what great work in turning Jason Jordan into a slimy heel. It’s unique and rather cerebral in a completely different way than past people in his type of character. I’ve completely changed my tune on it.
55. The Bar’s shenanigans continue, and Jordan’s help comes to advantage again, but I’m just hoping Balor isn’t hurt again. Wouldn’t that be terrible odds and luck to have Finn Balor injured after the singles match they built up as the big rematch? Ick.
56. I don’t know how it’s possible for the show to feel like it’s stalling for two months, but at least it won’t feel that way next week? I guess?
HAM OF THE NIGHT
2012- Daniel Bryan
2013- Paul Heyman
2016 – Chris Jericho
2017 – The Miz
1-8-18 – Woken Matt
1-15-18 – Woken Matt