IN LAIMAN’S TERMS #352 – Thoughts on RAW – 3-12-18


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IN LAIMAN’S TERMS #352 – Thoughts on RAW – 3-12-18

1. Kurt’s starting off the show this week. Is it a super big deal this time?

2. Mention WrestleMania, pan to the sign.

3. So the Lesnar thing is going to be the angle now? Might as well play to his strengths.

4. All right, time for Roman to stare around a bit. Let’s see if Roman can make three strong weeks of mic work in a row. Sure took him a long time to remember to walk again though. I thought he was gonna do the Ryback taunt.

5. Interesting perspective to take, trying to be relatable in what it’s like to not show up for work. I like it. I think the struggle with him has been that there’s nothing to relate to. This could serve him well. Surprised to hear him calling out Vince in the process.

6. Seriously, where the hell has this emotion in his promos been? I’m glad whoever is coaching him has helped. Damn.

7. Ohai, Shane.

8. “Things got pretty loud but not completely out of hand.” Thanks for the description. She then narrates him not saying anything, but Vince speaks through the frog in his throat to say that Brock is, definitely, not a boy.

9. Vince’s promo gets a “we can’t hear you,” chant. Apparently Brock respects competition more than anything and gets privileges for that. I imagine he respects money more than anything.

10. Roman getting suspended gets a pop. LOL.

11. Sonya gets jobber entranced. So Absolution had to stand out there through all that?

12. Bayley is accompanying Sasha to the ring while being a sourpuss for… reasons.

13. Remember a while ago when it was nice to see Bayley/Sasha/etc have a new stable to fight with? Then we got some combination of them pretty much every single week? Pepperidge Farm remembers.

14. Sasha wins but gets attacked. Same ol. Apparently no three-on-one attack is complete without both cameras moving up and down to emphasize the devastation.

15. In the words of Lewis Black: “And next we have Kid Rock, cause… Why the fuck not? As long as we’re going with ridiculous, let’s take it to the max.” That’s all I will say.

16. Unfortunate timing for that picture with Jeff Hardy.

17. The Miz already? But it’s only 730?

18. Oh no, the Miztourage isn’t with him tonight? What ever will he do with the only wrestlers with a worse win-loss record than pre-Smackdown Jinder Mahal?

19. His two guests are his two opponents at WrestleMania. Whoda thought it? That Finn Balor smile though…

20. What are they chanting? I can’t keep up with this.

21. It’s 2018, we’re really still going with the bingo halls bullshit?

22. Finn Balor would be excellent at Cinema Sins. ::ding::

23. Oh those guys who were way too smart for the Miz’s shenanigans are now falling for it. Tension! Excitement! Things happening!

24. I’d love if it was a rouse to just have them both kick Miz in the face.

25. Close enough.

26. Of course, why not build the tension for a WrestleMania match by having two of the people in it compete early? That’ll make it more interesting when they do again.

27. Of all teams, the Miztourage get the chance to step up? Another heel vs heel tag match. I’d rather see them bring up an NXT team than wrestle a team with Roger Dorn’s “O-for-the-Century” batting average equivalent of wins. I have heard, however, that they do have “several close falls.”

28. The Revival are in. Goodie. Here come Club Sandwich too. Now Titus Worldwide and Rhyno/Slater. Wow, the tag team division is in a sorry state.

29. Now for the John Cena Hour, what will WrestleMania bring the man who finds himself without a match for the first time in 14 years or so?

30. I do love how people speak to the WrestleMania sign as if it’s a sentient being.

31. Gee, I really believe that John Cena isn’t going to have a match at WrestleMania now…

32. Cena drank a beer on television? THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

33. Is Cena seriously trying to take the Miz Diva Search approach to WrestleMania?

34. “Let’s Go Roman!” HAM of the Night, OVER!

35. This is freaking delightful. And despite the tone of it, it’s so much fun.

36. Did something you weren’t supposed to do, you say? Is that the turning moment, John? What’cha got goin’ on?

37. Cena with a “fuck it, let it ride” attitude is amazing. I love it.

38. Cena tells Taker to get over his own ego. Damn, this tone changed quickly. But saying that he’s hiding behind his lame excuses… Have we heard any of those? Oh, they’re on his wife’s Instagram… Silly me.

39. Holy shit, John laying down some… Wow… NO ONE has spoken this way of the Undertaker in… I don’t know if anyone has ever spoken this way of the Undertaker.

40. That promo had 84 different emotions, and all of them amazing. I’m still not sure what I just saw.

41. Elias pretty much bails, and Braun has another YouTube-word style promo whatever. I’ll just assume it’s something I’ll never understand and move on.

42. Aiden still growls at that Dolph Ziggler commercial. I find it adorably hysterical.

43. I was about to make a sarcastic remark about Michael Cole reading people coming up with new hashtags, but Corey beat me to it.

44. I don’t expect any less than greatness from these two, and have no doubts they’ll both deliver.

45. Cue the champion watching TV from the back, and… Check.

46. Better make sure we still know the Miz is watching. Other than that, not much to say other than… Exactly what I expected. These two are killing it, and we’re getting a damn good televised match.

47. Finn Balor gets a surprise win after a reversal of the Superplex/Falcon Arrow. Damn, what a match1 Balor’s holding his shoulder though, and I hope that’s only a reference to their Summerslam match and not another injury.

48. Another selfie-cam promo with the words added? I don’t get it.

49. I suppose this close to WrestleMania, it will be containing a lot of filler. However, filler that is built up for two hours is impressive.

50. They dubbed over the botched drumroll challenge moment. Good cover.

51. Asuka/Charlotte should be one hell of a match. I saw some people bitching that Asuka, a RAW superstar, was on the Smackdown PPV last night, but… really?

52. We’re gonna make Asuka do another in-ring interview? But yes, let’s take a look at the slideshow! Only Ronda Rousey gets replays. Wow, that was an astonishing two pictures. Great job.

53. “Everyone just assumed you would choose the RAW Women’s Champion.” If that’s not an indication of how they feel about their brands, I don’t know what is.

54. Before Asuka can say anything, Alexa interrupts.

55. When did Mickie James go from the Brian Kendrick-style comeback to one of the Mean Girls?

56. “You chose the champion of the B-show.” Yep, a second flush with that Survivor Series burial.

57. More language barrier jokes. Keeping it classy.

58. Asuka yelling is awesome and badass and I love it.

59. Alexa calls for the cue of “this woman,” but isn’t getting the response. Trouble in paradise?

60. For a woman who never loses, Asuka sure gets cheap-shotted a lot.

61. Asuka’s throwing around Mickie James but then kicks the ring post. That couldn’t have felt good. “She could have a broken leg.” Hyperbolic much, Michael Cole?

62. Okay, I know there’s a Streak going on, but even during Taker’s, they didn’t mention it EVERY FUCKING MOVE! This is why people get tired of shit before it even happens, WWE! “Ultimate Thrill Ride” ring a bell?

63. Did they seriously just start chanting for CM Punk?

64. The only way a tag team battle royal will be interesting at all is with surprise entrants, because I can’t imagine watching any of those matchups at WrestleMania.

65. Alexa throwing shade at Nia is gonna get her smacked.

66. I guess Nia doesn’t get her Lita entrance anymore. Or did I just notice that now? And… she’s facing a jobber. Ugh. Glad that’s what we’re getting during WrestleMania season.

67. Oh shit, are we getting a GTV moment?! How do they not notice the camera and the boom mic?

68. You mean to tell me that the girl who has been making fun of her and everyone else for all this time has been making fun of her all this time?! Say it ain’t so!

69. Nia SMASH!

70. Okay, where are the hologram droids? That’s the only thing that could make the Ultimate Deletion silly.

71. What happened to Bray Wyatt’s voice? His accent changes more often than Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter.

72. “That’s a nice family you got there, Matt. It’d be a real shame… if something… HAPPENED TO THEM!”

73. Well gee willickers, Kurt, those people sure are wacky!

74. Braun Strowman? Is he gonna try to fight for the tag titles himself? Is that how badly they planned for WrestleMania this year? I suppose it’s better than any of these teams fighting for the tag titles at WrestleMania, but… really?

75. Cole nearly almost actually said: “Teamwork: something you don’t normally see in a tag team…”

76. As much fun as I’m sure it will be for Braun Strowman to win the tag titles by himself, they may as well get rid of the tag titles at that point. How is it that no matter how big the roster is, the tag division can’t seem to keep any consistency and depth?

77. Braun tossing Karl was almost at too low of an angle. That was terrifying.

78. Braun wins, and will win the tag titles by himself. Fine. At least he’s not in the WM Paycheck Battle Royal.

79. With that much filler, they didn’t even get to an overrun. Cena had the promo of the night, and Balor/Rollins and Asuka/Mickie were both really good. I’m having the same problem with the buildup to WrestleMania as I did last year though. It’s a combination of feeling like things are phoned in and stalling until we get close, but with less than four weeks to go, that needs to stop. Give me some sense of urgency beyond video packages and battle royals. The state of the tag division is on life support at best, and the fact remains that it was the best they could do with the red-hot Braun Strowman, and that’s pretty sad. Anything to preserve Roman Reigns kicking out of the F5. Nice moments of an otherwise boring and long show that somehow was shorter than usual.

80. Sorry I haven’t been reviewing Smackdown-related shows recently. If they don’t give a shit about it, why should I? Any chance for it being an equal show was destroyed at Survivor Series, so I’ll enjoy it at the combined PPVs until they give me a reason to watch again. I heard Randy Orton got another title though. Good for him, I was hoping he’d start truly getting a chance to shine.



John. Cena.

2012- Daniel Bryan
2013- Paul Heyman
2016 – Chris Jericho
2017 – The Miz
1-8-18 – Woken Matt
1-15-18 – Woken Matt
1-22-18 – AJ Styles
1-27-18 – Adam Cole/Corey Graves
1-28-18 – The Hurricane
1-29-18 – Braun Strowman
2-5-18 – The Miz
2-12-18 – Braun Strowman
2-19-18 – Crossfit Jesus
2-25-18 – Alexa Bliss
2-26-18 – Roman Reigns
3-5-18 – The Miz
3-12-18 – John Cena

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