Tim Rose Review: WWE Monday Night Raw 06/03/2019

 

Segment: Opening segment

Roman Reigns opens RAW. He’s arguably their biggest draw, so this makes sense. Immediately, Shane McMahon interrupts. He makes the announcer do a special introduction, so this doesn’t make sense. Keep in mind, RAW is seeing a huge hit in ratings. The first few minutes is someone doing an annoying introduction for someone who is subjectively not a wrestler and isn’t a draw. When the WWE scratches their heads and wonders, “Where did we go wrong,” the good news they won’t have to look far. Shane McMahon is out of breath from walking a few steps.

Shane McMahon introduces Drew McIntyre who cuts an old school heel promo and it is excellent. The fans are getting behind Roman Reigns which is the sign of a fantastic heel. Roman’s promo during this segment came off a little edgier than normal. Was that possibly an improv? Shane McMahon is now bright red and no one is worried about his health.

The segment ends when Roman Reigns looks confused as hell and gets attacked from behind by the Revival. It’s a pet peeve of mine when a babyface comes off as aloof. If anything, he should have gotten in fighting stance. Instead, it looks like he’s trying to figure out what percent of the bill he should tip for dinner. The Usos come out to fight off the Revival and McIntyre.

Match: Roman Reigns and the Usos versus Drew McIntyre and the Revival

We go to commercial for some reason.

Back from the break, and the Usos hit some moves. We go to a commercial break.

Back from the break, and I’m wondering if I should even get invested in this match in fear there will just be another commercial break. Drew McIntyre wins the match with a Claymaker to one of the Usos.

Shane, Drew McIntyre, and The Revival continue a beatdown on Roman Reigns as the crowd boos. Why didn’t anyone tell me I wanted a stable with these four? Please be a permanent thing. Shane McMahon hits a spear on Roman and I think he’s dead. Shane, not Roman. He’s redder than the RAW logo. Seriously, is no one worried?

Segment: Miz TV with guest star, Seth Rollins

This segment is the very definition of filler. Brock Lesnar interrupts what is maybe the most generic promo since whatever promo Braun Strowman did last, but after pretending he’s going to cash-in his MITB contract, he walks to the locker room instead. This segment becomes increasingly more pointless and irritating when we find out later in the show *spoiler alert* Brock Lesnar was never going to cash-in on the night he was advertised to cash-in. Also, the Miz and Rollins are somehow friends. What a merry time of misrule this is.

Match(?): Lucha House Party versus Terrible Booking

Lucha House Party was about to face The Rock, Steve Austin, and John Cena but the match is thrown out before it even started because Lars ran down. Lars is getting the “you fucked up on social media” booking. He’s booked as an absolutely monster who is constantly losing the upper hand to three men who are half his size. The feud makes no sense, it’s not putting over anyone with the 50/50 booking Lars is seeing, and I really wanted to see the original match. Or paint drying. A loved one being autopsied. A note from the doctor saying I’ve got a disease and will be dead in three weeks. Literally anything other than a Lars segment.

Segment: Becky Lynch Calls Out Lacy Evans and Charlotte

Becky Lynch gets a crazy pop for her entrance. She really needs a catchphrase and a few moves that pop the crowd. Unfortunately, the moment the bell rings the crowd goes dead silent until the second bell rings. That’s not a criticism on Becky. There are just not enough heel women wrestlers to get the crowds behind her. Case in point:

Match: Lacey Evans versus Charlotte

Two heels. The crowd doesn’t care about either one of them. Charlotte isn’t well liked because of backstage marky reasons and Lacey Evans isn’t well liked because of every other reason other than that one. This match has less chemistry than my high school chemistry essay. There’s absolutely nothing to say about this match. Charlotte wins because Becky Lynch interferes, so whatever. Becky hits a rock bottom on Lacey Evans to end my misery as we go to commercial.

Segment: Rey Mysterio forfeits the title to Samoa Joe

This segment is just God reminding us that we don’t deserve Samoa Joe. Moxley talked about how McMahon would write terrible lines and he would do his best to knock it out of the park, and I’m guessing Samoa Joe does this all the time. There’s no way Vince McMahon is writing his line deliveries to be so murderous. That’s solid Joe. Rey Mysterio forfeits the title to Joe, so he thanks him by giving him a nice big hug around the throat until Rey couldn’t breath anymore. D’aww.

Arm Wrestling Match: Braun Strowman Versus Bobby Lashley Versus My Attention

Braun Strowman begins his entrance and we cut to a commercial. What.

Segment(?): Cesaro and Ricochet

What the hell is going on here?

Arm Wrestling Match: Braun Strowman versus Bobby Lashley Versus My Bladder

I’m getting dizzy. If the WWE isn’t taking this segment seriously, then why should I?

Braun wins. Well, that was totally worth it. That’s definitely one for the highlight reel. I was going to take a bathroom break but the commercial break lasted longer than the segment.

Lashley reacts to losing like my wife when we play Mario Kart except with far less charisma.

Match: Nikki Cross versus Peyton Royce

The WWE has stripped Nikki Cross of anything that made her unique. Right now, she’s just a less annoying and melanin-less Alicia Fox. I’m giving this match as much attention as was put into bringing Nikki Cross onto the main roster: none.

Nikki Cross wins because someone had to.

Alexa Bliss spills her coffee and is supposed to fall into it but misses, so she very visibly scoots her butt onto the coffee puddles. Alexa fulfills her babyface turn by attacking the IIconics and soaking in the cheers. Nikki Cross continues to take up the space in the same plain as the rest of us but her existence is still debatable. How did the WWE manage to screw her up?

Segment: Seth Rollins Demands Brock Cash-In

Seth Rollins complains that it is not Brock Lesnar that is bothering him. He just doesn’t like waiting for him to cash-in the MITB contract. Uh, that’s how the contract works, Rollins. You’ve literally held the briefcase and cashed it in before. If it wasn’t Brock, it’d just be someone else. Are you going to harass the MITB winner every year until they cash-in? This whole feud is BS. Brock Lesnar announcing that he is going to cash-in but then not doing it isn’t teasing Seth Rollins, it’s teasing the audience. Not in a good way either. It is teasing in a “here’s your pizza, whoops, its actually your list of chores you need to do today” kind of way.

Baron Corbin interrupts and, despite his hairline looking like the world’s thinnest helmet, he’s made to look strong. He takes out Rollins with a little help from Brock’s theme music and shows a level of aggression you don’t see much from him. In his current state, something isn’t clicking with Baron Corbin but he shows signs from time-to-time of something being there.

Lesnar comes out and continues destroying Seth Rollins. Suplexes, chairshots, F5, briefcase shots. It’s all there. Then, he leaves. Fucking WWE.

By the way, I polled everyone on Twitter by asking if they thought Brock was really going to cash-in on RAW or if it was a bait-and-switch. A majority chose the latter. So, not only were people expecting Lesnar to not cash-in, there were two segments of it. Three if you count the theme music fake out. That’s three segments of the worst-case scenario played out as everyone was expecting.

Segment: Firefly Funhouse

Bray Wyatt continues to be the best thing in the WWE right now, which isn’t saying a lot, but I’m trying to say a lot. Some people are getting tired of these segments but they’re only getting better in my opinion. The subliminal message bit that wasn’t so subtle was hilariously clever. Devil McMahon puppet is a GIF factory. I’m looking forward to how the WWE is going to handle Bray outside of these vignettes.

Segment: Triple H and Orton create a feud out of thin air

Last week we had a long commercial for Triple H versus Orton at Super showdown by showing highlights of their feud from 15 fucking years ago, because apparently that’s a thing now. This week, that all went out the window since Triple H and Orton approach each other nonchalantly. Orton makes a testicle joke because no one can have a promo with Triple H without meeting a testicle reference quota. Orton mentions that Triple H’s balls are in Stephanie’s purse – like CM Punk, John Cena, Roman Reigns, etc – but this time Triple H talks about how she has to carry them because they’re so heavy. Har.

Have you ever gotten into an argument with someone, and they hit you with a zinger but your reply is pretty lame? Then later that day in the shower you’re replaying the conversation in your mind and you come up with a dozen other replies that would have been much funnier or insulting? This segment reeks of that. Triple H thought, “Shit, you know what would have been funny to say to Punk when he said my wife holds my balls 5 years ago? I got him now!”

So, now you want to order the Super Showdown, right? You’re into a whole feud that’s based solely on something that happened 15 years ago and current ball jokes, yeah?

This segment was sponsored by:

“Yum! It tastes like balls!”

Match: Cesaro Versus Ricochet

Stellar match. Cesaro never puts on a bad match. The chemistry between Cesaro and Ricochet is off the charts. The sequence of moves between the two that involved a lot of flips was pleasing to the eyes and washed out the bad taste of whatever Charlotte and Lacey Evans was supposed to taste like. Cesaro does a really good job doing the “I’m the pro, you’ve got something to prove” matches. This is like his 5th while in the WWE and they never disappoint.

Ricochet wins via fluke rollup.

After the match, Cesaro flips out and attacks Ricochet. I wasn’t a fan of this. Cesaro is best when he’s playing a babyface or a cocky heel. Not every heel has to be a shithead. The crowning moment comes when Cesaro begins pulling out a table only to find that R Truth is attached to it.

All the 24/7 catering crew come down to attack R Truth, but there’s a missed spot. Everyone stands around without touching Truth because someone missed their cue. Cedric Alexander from 205 Night Heat does a flip over the ropes and takes down the whole group. Truth sneaks into the ring but is confronted by Drake Maverick – the 205 General Manager, AOP Manager, guy who pees his pants, additional voices, and Farmer #3.  Carmella takes out Drake for Truth. This title is basically a hide and seek championship. Little-to-no wrestling is involved. Still a great segment.

I was originally down on this idea because I couldn’t see its potential. I think a lot of people were. The title is still ugly, but it’s meant as a joke so I’m starting to see its value. R Truth always looks like he’s having a blast.

Segment: Undertaker versus A Time Limit

The Undertaker makes his entrance. I use the bathroom, finally. Then, I put my kids to bed. I order a pizza, and wouldn’t you know it they were 5 minutes late. I got to the last slice, but I just couldn’t stomach it down. I put it in the fridge for tomorrow. I noticed the fridge was looking a bit messy so I reorganized the shelves and scrubbed the sides. I check on RAW and Undertaker is halfway down the ramp. Fuck.

It’s basically Friday afternoon and time for Super Showdown, but that doesn’t stop the Undertaker from cutting his promo anyway. You don’t notice how terrible Undertaker’s promos are until he’s forced to do one during a feud that has absolutely no feuding in it. I’ve seen the Ultimate Warrior make more coherent thoughts and his mind was close captioned in Spanish. He doesn’t say anything for three minutes despite his mouth moving and noises coming out.

Then the show just ends. It literally gets cut off by the USA Network at the end of Undertaker’s sentence. Can you imagine the disrespect? What nonsense. What total bullshit. What kind of crap is that? The disrespect shown to that man. Who does tha-

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