Unsanitary Truth Sauce: 4 Times the Women’s Revolution Did Literally Nothing

Please don’t call the PC police.  I’m neither radical equality nor am I against it. This is also not to undermind all the great things the WWE is actually doing to progress women’s place in wrestling.  Becky Lynch being portrayed as a badass and Rhonda Rousey battling men spring to mind. I’m specifically addressing the WWE’s blunders at trying to be PC for the sake of making PC headlines. It’s the reason the women’s title is literally called the Women’s title and the men’s title is called the World title, Universal title, and more bluntly the WWE title. It’s the reason the WWE has a special “intergender” match series except men can’t lay a hand on women which makes it two separate matches taking place in Picture-in-Picture format. Several independent promotions are already doing intergender matches, so if you want to get your women being piledriven between a men’s legs you can go there. Also, NJPW is strictly an all-men’s promotion due to their culture and their business model always being about men so if you don’t care for women’s wrestling you can go there. Also, if you want to see a woman yell at a man to get in the kitchen and cook supper because she’s spent a long day at work, you can come over later tonight. Here are 4 Times the Women’s Revolution Did Literally Nothing.

4. We Already Had Women in the Real Rumble Match

What a concept! Women being segregated from men? This has literally never been done before! Hell, the WWE might even allow them to read on live television! Except that isn’t a progressive move. That’s a lateral move. And why?  Because women have already been in the Royal Rumble before. Make no mistake about it; the reason the WWE have separated the men’s Rumble from the Women’s Rumble is because the mainstream audience still isn’t at the point where they can see Brock Lesnar ground pound Alexa Bliss in the face without crying about the memory of Daddy catching Mommy in bed with the cable guy.

Chyna was the first woman to ever enter the actual Royal Rumble, and the commentating was unique in that they didn’t explode with surprise that a woman could count to 30.  Her music hit, they did acknowledge that she was the first woman to enter the Rumble, and then she pummeled Mark Henry. Of course, Chyna was a rare situation where the WWE acknowledged her as a woman but treated her as a freak who could also hit men sometimes.  However, they put a woman on the same level playing field as men for the first time.

The second “diva” to ever enter the Royal Rumble was Beth Phoenix, and this time the commentators blew up over the idea that a testicle-less person would enter in the same match as the big ole men. At one point one of the commentators even shouted, “Never trust a woman!” Not: “Never trust Beth Phoenix,” or “Beth Phoenix just eliminated the Great Khali which is only surprising because it’s the Great Khali and not because Beth Phoenix is a woman!” She eliminated the Great Khali by locking lips with him for some reason because God forbid a woman do something a man would do without also being sexualized.

We’ve since had other women in the Rumble which makes the “first ever Women’s Royal Rumble” seem more like a step back at worst and a lateral move at best.

Keep in mind, this isn’t a PC rant. These are just facts. The WWE couldn’t grasp the fact that women are just people, too, until just a few years ago and even now they’re not one hundred percent sure where they should be looking at.

3. Also, We Already Had an All Women’s Battle Royal

Was it the Royal Rumble? No, but let’s not split hairs. It was a match where only women entered the ring and had to be thrown out of the ring to win a Women’s title shot. But, I mean, it wasn’t royalty so who cares, right? I’m talking about the match in 2007 that saw Beth Phoenix not only debut but power through eleven other women to win a title shot. If you’re scoffing at the idea of only eleven women being in the match then keep in mind how many women they had to call up that are not even on the roster right now for the Royal Rumble match in 2018.

The match itself was a tad-bit different though. Women could be thrown out of the ring by any means possible meaning they could go over the top rope but they could also be thrown out through the middle rope. This was in place because several of the wrestlers in the match weren’t so much “wrestlers” as they were models who wore spandex. The match was so sloppy because it was obvious there wasn’t any planned events in the match aside from Beth Phoenix winning which resulted in several women bumping into each other and blowing spots aka a 2007 women’s match.

It was terrible. But it was also the first time the WWE had enough women on the roster that could technically take a bump, and it was the first ever women’s rumble match. But not being shitheads didn’t make headlines in 2007 so we didn’t call it that.

Later in the same year as the first ever All-Women’s Royal Rumble, the WWE held a “Historic All-Women’s Battle Royal.”  This is not a joke. The WWE titled another Rumble match as the “Historic” version. I can’t wait for January 2019’s First Ever Second Ever Royal Rumble match.

2. First Ever MITB Was Won by a Man

The WWE has been tone deaf in the past. Muhamad Hassan comes to mind when he did the throat cut taunt and was carried away by terrorists during a time when maybe being a terrorist was a pretty bad thing, which as the history books would tell us, is always. Obviously, nothing can compete with that, but if that match had a little brother that the parents forgot about it would be the first ever women’s Money in the Bank ladder match.

For those of you who don’t know: the match is for eight competitors to fight in a regular ladder match where the prize is a briefcase that contains an automatic title shot that can be cashed in at any moment as long as a referee is available, and I can’t stress the fact enough that there is a set number of wrestlers already in the match. So, when the first ever Women’s Royal Rumble was won by a man who by the way wasn’t even in the match as WWE’s attempt to be funny, you could imagine the backlash it probably got. Keep in mind, that when I say “man,” I’m still referring to James Ellsworth according to science. The WWE made up for the massive blunder by having a second ladder match a few weeks later that saw literally the same ending minus the absence of a chin with Carmella winning.

The problem is that the WWE was marketing this as the first time Women would be in an extreme version of a match. That was the appeal. “Never been done before.” This is history making. I mean, if we didn’t count all the ladder moves Lita did, the table spots the Dudleys did to women, or literally any Hardcore title match featuring a woman. Other than that, never been done before! Let’s celebrating by cooking our own cake without their help! We should also mention again that the contract in the briefcase allows women to cash in on only the women’s title, while the men’s contract allows them to contend for a belt called the Universal title or the seven other titles that have been held by exclusively men, with the rare exception of the Intercontinental title which had a woman hold it while simultaneously sharing it with a man.

Or whatever, scratch that; yay women!

1. First Ever (insert stipulation) Match

Remember when the WWE had a midget TLC match? They called it the first ever match, but they also treated it as a complete comedy act despite the wrestlers involved doing their best to make it as serious as possible. But… but … but it was a first ever match so that has to be a good thing! “First ever” and “Women’s Revolution” are buzzwords. You don’t tell someone you’re great for making history. You just do it. There’s a reason its frowned upon when men go around bragging about taking a women’s virginity.

With all the subtly of the Football team Captain sharing details of his backseat conquests in his valedictorian speech, the WWE is labeling literally everything as a “First Ever” match in the “Women’s Revolution.” First ever Kendo Stick on a Pole match? Check. First ever Hell in a Cell match? Check. First ever Dog Kennel from Hell match? Possible. How about “First Ever Time the WWE Didn’t Brag About Stepping into the 20th Century” on a Pole match.

When the WWE had the first ever Kendo Stick match the entire premise of the feud leading up to it was that Bayley didn’t have the man’s approval she was required to have. No joke. Alexa Bliss actually mocked Bayley for not getting hugs from her father and never kissing a boy. These were the things that made Bayley a terrible person. Obviously there was more to it than that, but these are the insults Alexa Bliss was throwing in a time when Women were supposed to be the highlight of the show. She also mocked her for being too womanly AKA soft and when the match took place she ended up being right because Bayley wouldn’t swing the Kendo Stick. The heel won. The heel who told Bayley she is the way she is because men didn’t complete her. Trust me, this has been done since literally the beginning of time. “You’re not a woman because men don’t sexualize you enough” has been done a million times, only slightly inching ahead of it’s contender, the “you’re a whore because too many men sexualize you.”

The fact that the WWE didn’t boast about Alicia Fox’s debut match being the First Ever Pee Break in women’s history is mind blowing.

I’m a full-time father, part-time husband, and temporary paint stirrer’s assistant.  Follow me @timrosetweeting

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