Unsanitary Truth Sauce: How the Post-Survivor Series Raw was Written, Probably

[We open in Vince’s office.]

Writer: Mr. McMahon? Mr. McMahon! You fell asleep and there’s only five minutes left until RAW begins!

Vince McMahon: Huh? What? [yawn] I didn’t fall asleep, pal. I was writing notes for today’s show.  Uh, what do you think?

[Vince slides paper across desk.]

Writer: This paper just says, “go screw yourself.”

Vince: Yes.

Writer: Screw, with the less common “u” spelling.

Vince: Let’s focus on writing the show, Pal. Okay, let’s start the show with the most over person on the roster!

Writer: Great idea! I was thinking that Brau-

Vince: My daughter, Stephanie McMahon!

Writer: What? No, no. We need-

Vince: Baron Corbin!

Writer: The human charisma vacuum? You can’t be serious, sir!

Vince: Don’t worry, Braun will come out next.

Writer: Great!

Vince: And we’ll write him off the entire 3-hour show with an injury. Again!

Writer: That doesn’t even make sense! Braun is getting injured more times than Rey Mysterio!

Vince: Then, my daughter Stephanie McMahon will undermine every decision Baron Corbin makes despite both being heels and him being her personally appointed General Manager!

Writer: Okay. Are you even awake right now?

Vince: Of course, I’m awake pal! Next, we’ll have Ronda Rousey attack that fat woman we have on the roster.

Writer: Ronda versus Nia Jax? That’s interesting!

Vince: No, not her. Mickie James! Have that ole piggy face Ronda Rousey and let her lose quickly. Then get her out of my ring ASAP. Yuck.

Writer: You understand that Mickie James isn’t really fat, right, sir? That’s just a storyline we wrote in jest because she’s got a thick midsection.

Vince: Thick midsection? Dammit pal, don’t talk about women like that! Have a little respect!

Writer:  I…. I’m sorry?

Vince: That’s better. Once that fat piece of shit is rolled out of the ring, have Nia Jax come out and confront Ronda. REALLY play up her fist and how she accidentally broke not-Charlotte Flair’s nose.

Writer: Becky Lynch. And it really wasn’t an accident. She full on punched someone in the face.

Vince: She punched Charlotte Flair in the face?

Writer: No, she punched Becky Lynch in the face.

Vince: Oh thank god, I thought it was actually someone I cared about.

Writer: Can we just move on to the next segment please?

Vince: I already know what I plan on doing too.

Writer: You’re going to use the second most over guy, Seth Rollins, since you already sent home the most over guy?

Vince: Exactly. And we’re going to advance the Ambrose and Rollins program the only way the WWE knows how to do it best!

Writer: With good story telling and violence?

Vince: With a 3-hour long game of hide-n-go seek and then a few seconds of actual fighting!

Writer: That’s not what we do best. What are you talking about?

Vince: Make sure none of Ambrose’s promos make any sense. It’s absolutely important that no one understands what the hell he’s going on about.

Writer: Now that sounds more like the WWE.

Vince: And have him kind of move around and speak like a cartoon. Like a Batman cartoon. No, like Tommy Lee Jones’ Two-Face. Except worse.

Writer: Worse than Tommy Lee Jones’ Two-Face? That’s not even possible! That’s a terrible idea, sir.

Vince: Then it’ll fit right in with the rest of the show!

Writer: Touché.

Vince: Didn’t we just hire some new Mexicans?

Writer: Some luchadors?

Vince: Is that not what I just said?

Writer: No. Should we have them beat some jobber heel team?

Vince: Yeah, some untalented heels that no one cares about. How about the Revival?

Writer: That’s the opposite of what you just described, but okay.  You know people like the Revival, right?

Vince: Have them lose.

Writer: Of course.

Vince: Quickly.

Writer: Sure.

Vince: In a squash.

Writer: I knew it.

Vince: MORE hide-n-seek from Ambrose!

Writer: Really? Are we really stretching this out for three hours?

Vince: Ambrose is a REALLY good hider. I want him to be the best hider in the WWE. We could give him a new nickname. Camouflage Fringe!

Writer: Could we just not?

Vince: I’ve got it! Okay, AOP come out.

Writer: Yeah I’m with you so far!

Vince: And they face Bobby Roode and Chad Gable.

Writer: Heel Bobby Roode?!

Vince: No, comedy worthless waste of a Bobby Roode Bobby Roode.

Writer: Oh.

Vince: No, stay with me here! It’s going to get good. So, Drake Maverick is going to run into Chad Gable and pee himself. Pee himself all over!

Writer: No one would pee themselves if they ran into Chad Gable. And we just did that last night.

Vince: We did?

Writer: Yes.

Vince: And… we can’t do it again?

Writer: No.

Vince: Not even a little?

Writer: It wasn’t funny the first time. And I told you it was a bad idea to pipe in the chant “AOP-P” but you did it anyway. You turned it into a kindergarten class. Remember when we used to have a world champion who’d flip off his boss, drink an adult beverage because he was an adult, then beat up people instead of playing recess games like hide-n-go seek?

Vince: Yes, but he has leukemia.

Writer: Not him.

Vince: Okay so next we’re going to have a women’s match. I don’t care who. Just put anyone there. It won’t matter anyway, no one is going to watch it.

Writer: People watch women wrestle now. We’ve been spending years telling people they need to watch women wrestle, sir!

Vince: Fine. Just have Natalya come out and fart.

Writer: We stopped doing the farting gimmick years ago! It was terrible even then.

Vince: We did? I haven’t been watching.

Writer: What?! We’ve been pushing the women’s revolution for years now! We’ve let them main event! We’ve pushed several women more than we’ve pushed most of the men on the roster! I can’t believe you’re not paying attention to any division other than the world title one.

Vince: I do too pay attention! How dare you, pal! I pay more attention to every division than anyone!  Fine, have it your way. Have a serious match between two women. How about Natalya and Ruby Riott? Then have Enzo Amore come out and do his routine on the mic to keep the crowd entertained.

Writer: You really don’t pay attention. There were rape charges!

Vince: Dammit, Ruby Riott raped someone?! Fire her immediately!

Writer: No, no, Enzo was accused of rape.

Vince: Fire him, too!

Writer: We already did. And we’re not firing Ruby Riott.

Vince: I don’t want someone who is accused of a terrible, nasty act to be employed by my company! Never!

Writer: I’m glad to hear you say that, sir.

Vince: So for the main event we’ll have Hulk Hogan come out and –

Writer: I QUIT!

 

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